Monday, March 28, 2011
The End
This will be the last post of this blog as my journey has come to an end. I have given up. Admitted defeat and accepted that this was not to be. It is time to regain control of my life and banish the unhappiness that this journey has brought me. We have agree to get rid of all tablets, test sticks, monitors etc and there will be no more hospital appointments, bloods, tests or scans. No more side effects, feeling sick, mood swings, looking for signs and worrying about the 'what ifs'. I do feel like a weight has been lifted, that I can shut the door on this chapter of my life and move onwards to a life where we can just be us. If friends with children choose to dump us because we are childless, so be it - there loss. The future seems less uncertain now, it will be just the 2 of us and we can enjoy our lives as such.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Had Enough
This afternoon I feel like I have been bombarded with the things that make me feel the worst, things that remind me of my sadness, my jealousy, my angry and the fact that I feel like I have failed in so many ways. I can't seem to avoid them and maybe I am being overly sensitive but sometimes I wounder if I have the right to be?
I go to a discussion forum with a dedicated board for those trying but it is full of ladies going for number 2, 3, 4 or even more and whilst they suceed I am struggling to be happy for them in my own unhappiness and that feels wrong and very unkind. There are ladies suceeding after just a few months and I am the same with them. The few long term ladies like me seem to be hiding away and I wonder if they feel the same way that i do?
I so want my old life back, the one where I never cried, the one where I was happy and could see a future of happiness in front of me, the one that didn't hold grief or anger or jealousy, the life I had before June 2008 when we made the choice to try for a family. The life that made sense.
I look into the future and see more unhappiness - I see what would have been my due date. I am supposed to be going to a re-enactment event on that date where I will be expected to take charge, be in control and organise people and I am dreading it, I just don't want to go. I see the summer when I hoped that I could be looking forward to our baby being born rolling out in more tablets that make me feel awful, more blood tests and more failed cycles. I see another Christmas looming which will be just Andrew and I when it should have been so much more than that. I see more people annoucing pregnancies, births, birthdays - all of which I remind me how long this nightmare has been going on for: all of which remind me of what I have failed to achieve.
I want to give up.
I want to throw in the towel , throw away the tablets and the letters and the tests - everything that has to do with this journey and just say enough, it is not worth it. I used to think that there would be a point at which I would be be allowed to give up. Andrew always seems to talk me into continuing, I know this is his dream as well but it is not him that is poked and prodded, that has to loose dignity in examinations and has to anwer intimate questions. he doesn't have to take tablets that make him feel awful and he didn't have to feel his baby leave his body.
But, and it is a big but, I can't help wondering if it will be worth it, if I will be able to look back at this post from a happier place and say it was worth it, it was worth all of it.
I go to a discussion forum with a dedicated board for those trying but it is full of ladies going for number 2, 3, 4 or even more and whilst they suceed I am struggling to be happy for them in my own unhappiness and that feels wrong and very unkind. There are ladies suceeding after just a few months and I am the same with them. The few long term ladies like me seem to be hiding away and I wonder if they feel the same way that i do?
I so want my old life back, the one where I never cried, the one where I was happy and could see a future of happiness in front of me, the one that didn't hold grief or anger or jealousy, the life I had before June 2008 when we made the choice to try for a family. The life that made sense.
I look into the future and see more unhappiness - I see what would have been my due date. I am supposed to be going to a re-enactment event on that date where I will be expected to take charge, be in control and organise people and I am dreading it, I just don't want to go. I see the summer when I hoped that I could be looking forward to our baby being born rolling out in more tablets that make me feel awful, more blood tests and more failed cycles. I see another Christmas looming which will be just Andrew and I when it should have been so much more than that. I see more people annoucing pregnancies, births, birthdays - all of which I remind me how long this nightmare has been going on for: all of which remind me of what I have failed to achieve.
I want to give up.
I want to throw in the towel , throw away the tablets and the letters and the tests - everything that has to do with this journey and just say enough, it is not worth it. I used to think that there would be a point at which I would be be allowed to give up. Andrew always seems to talk me into continuing, I know this is his dream as well but it is not him that is poked and prodded, that has to loose dignity in examinations and has to anwer intimate questions. he doesn't have to take tablets that make him feel awful and he didn't have to feel his baby leave his body.
But, and it is a big but, I can't help wondering if it will be worth it, if I will be able to look back at this post from a happier place and say it was worth it, it was worth all of it.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Hobbies
Following my thoughts on joining Ladies Circle I want to turn back time to think about the big hobby in my life - historical re-enactment. Or more specifically John Brights Regiment of the Roundhead Association of the English Civil War Society. I suppose I should start by saying this wasn't something I found and developed an interest in but rather something that has always been a part of my life. My parents met through this, I met my husband through this and some of my closest friends have come into my life via this hobby.
I can here people asking 'what is this', 'what do you do', 'what does it entail' and the short answer is a group of friends who portray a life gone past in the terms of military and civilian history in the form of battle and skirmish displays, dill displays, encampments and other such demonstrations. 'Where do we do this', all over the place - in the last few years I have been as far south as Lulworth Cove and as far north of Lanark.
'Why do I do this?'
Because I enjoy it? Because I get a lot out of it? Out of habit?
All of the above? Maybe. I enjoy the company and I enjoy spending time with good friend but things like this rarely come without stresses. my current role within the group means that I spend a great deal of time organising other people and, whilst I have a wonderful support network for which I am incredibly grateful, it is not the easiest thing in the world to do when your own life feels so out of control. However being the control freak that I am this is one area of my life that I can manage - I decide what events I want to go to, knowing what is expected of me once I get there.
I can here people asking 'what is this', 'what do you do', 'what does it entail' and the short answer is a group of friends who portray a life gone past in the terms of military and civilian history in the form of battle and skirmish displays, dill displays, encampments and other such demonstrations. 'Where do we do this', all over the place - in the last few years I have been as far south as Lulworth Cove and as far north of Lanark.
'Why do I do this?'
Because I enjoy it? Because I get a lot out of it? Out of habit?
All of the above? Maybe. I enjoy the company and I enjoy spending time with good friend but things like this rarely come without stresses. my current role within the group means that I spend a great deal of time organising other people and, whilst I have a wonderful support network for which I am incredibly grateful, it is not the easiest thing in the world to do when your own life feels so out of control. However being the control freak that I am this is one area of my life that I can manage - I decide what events I want to go to, knowing what is expected of me once I get there.
Ladies Circle
Some months ago I saw an advertisement in a local free magazine inviting local ladies to join this group and the specifically said they were not the WI - I decided in that second 'why not'. As I work full time I had not really had chance to meet people locally and I saw this as a bit of a shame as when I moved from the city to a quiet village I thought it would be a chance to be a part of the community in general.
So, I rang the number, spoke to a lovely lady and arranged to meet up for a drink with her, another member and another lady interested in joining. Turns out this was a really positive something that I could do for myself, the ladies involved have been very welcoming and they do all sorts of interesting and different things. Too date there have been meals, bingo, wall building, tile painting, progressive suppers and much, much more planned for the future. I would highly recommend that anyone wondering whether to do something that seems a little bit scary goes for it - at the time my attitude was 'what have I got to loose' and the answer was nothing, in the end I have just gained so much more than I ever expected.
On Thursday Holbeach Ladies Circle is celebrating its 30th Charter Night, so 30th years of being a group within Ladies Circle, with a St Patricks themed dinner. I have done what I can to help - making invites and getting decorations and will also do what I can in the dressing up in green (although this might not be so much a success) and I am really looking forward to it.
It seems to be that this is another hobby/pastime to add to my list but I reckon I will get out what I put into it and that it will be worthwhile.
So, I rang the number, spoke to a lovely lady and arranged to meet up for a drink with her, another member and another lady interested in joining. Turns out this was a really positive something that I could do for myself, the ladies involved have been very welcoming and they do all sorts of interesting and different things. Too date there have been meals, bingo, wall building, tile painting, progressive suppers and much, much more planned for the future. I would highly recommend that anyone wondering whether to do something that seems a little bit scary goes for it - at the time my attitude was 'what have I got to loose' and the answer was nothing, in the end I have just gained so much more than I ever expected.
On Thursday Holbeach Ladies Circle is celebrating its 30th Charter Night, so 30th years of being a group within Ladies Circle, with a St Patricks themed dinner. I have done what I can to help - making invites and getting decorations and will also do what I can in the dressing up in green (although this might not be so much a success) and I am really looking forward to it.
It seems to be that this is another hobby/pastime to add to my list but I reckon I will get out what I put into it and that it will be worthwhile.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Why do I watch it?
Last night I curled up on the sofa in front of the TV, cats snuggled around me, and subjected myself to the latest episode of One Born Every Minute. Every week I have done this - for this series and the last as well as watching the Christmas specials on catch up. And every time I watch it I ask myself why. Why do I put myself through a programme that just causes me grief, anger and a profound sense of loss?
A lot depends on the families shown as to how it makes me react. Last night a couple who had suffered recurrent miscarriage had their dreams of a healthy baby come true which was a beautiful moment but couple bemoaning accidental pregnancy just make me feel so angry. No matter what and who is shown I always finish up with a sense that something wonderful is missing from my life and that I am worse off as a person because of it.
So why do I watch it? My honest answer is I don't know. Could it be for the same reason that people always look towards accidents? Maybe I am a glutton for punishing myself? Maybe one day I will have the answer.
Last night Andrew came home to a very sad me, one who had curled up in bed to continue to cry without any attempt to stop. For him I wish I could be stronger. I wish I could be more positive and remain hopeful and so my plan is to try, for Lent, to give up negativity. I want to make an active effort to be more positive and to remember that the future is not set and, while I will have waited for it, the future of my dreams can still be reached.
A lot depends on the families shown as to how it makes me react. Last night a couple who had suffered recurrent miscarriage had their dreams of a healthy baby come true which was a beautiful moment but couple bemoaning accidental pregnancy just make me feel so angry. No matter what and who is shown I always finish up with a sense that something wonderful is missing from my life and that I am worse off as a person because of it.
So why do I watch it? My honest answer is I don't know. Could it be for the same reason that people always look towards accidents? Maybe I am a glutton for punishing myself? Maybe one day I will have the answer.
Last night Andrew came home to a very sad me, one who had curled up in bed to continue to cry without any attempt to stop. For him I wish I could be stronger. I wish I could be more positive and remain hopeful and so my plan is to try, for Lent, to give up negativity. I want to make an active effort to be more positive and to remember that the future is not set and, while I will have waited for it, the future of my dreams can still be reached.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Grandad
Today, and I should have done this 2 days ago, I want to reflect on the life of the oldest man I have know - my Grandad, who turned 95 years old on Monday 28 February 2011.
He has always been a part of my life, the second husband of the Grandma I adore and looking back he never seemed to change. That is until he retired from cricket umpiring and his health started to degrade.
The last time I visited him, we went to the care home in which he has been since November and met him in the lounge after breakfast. My first thought was that he looked sad. Old, tired and sad and this wasn't something I was expecting. Until recently he has been adamant that he wants to go home, to be cared for at home despite the fact that this was not possible. Now he seems to have accepted that he can't go home, that he needs the constant care that the home can offer him and that we had no intention of putting him in there and forgetting about him. I have to confess that I am not a frequent visitor - the 90 miles just to get there is a bit too far to do every week but my mum and sister have rallied and visit as much as they can often taking Grandma who has also a wide network of friends who visit and help where they can.
One of the things I struggle most with is remember the viabrant and active man when looking at the frail, tired and ill man who could barely remember anything and for whom life holds no joy.
I look into my uncertain future and see a haze but through that haze I hope that become old is a joyous experience and I hope that I don't have to suffer in my old age but live it in dignity and with quality.
He has always been a part of my life, the second husband of the Grandma I adore and looking back he never seemed to change. That is until he retired from cricket umpiring and his health started to degrade.
The last time I visited him, we went to the care home in which he has been since November and met him in the lounge after breakfast. My first thought was that he looked sad. Old, tired and sad and this wasn't something I was expecting. Until recently he has been adamant that he wants to go home, to be cared for at home despite the fact that this was not possible. Now he seems to have accepted that he can't go home, that he needs the constant care that the home can offer him and that we had no intention of putting him in there and forgetting about him. I have to confess that I am not a frequent visitor - the 90 miles just to get there is a bit too far to do every week but my mum and sister have rallied and visit as much as they can often taking Grandma who has also a wide network of friends who visit and help where they can.
One of the things I struggle most with is remember the viabrant and active man when looking at the frail, tired and ill man who could barely remember anything and for whom life holds no joy.
I look into my uncertain future and see a haze but through that haze I hope that become old is a joyous experience and I hope that I don't have to suffer in my old age but live it in dignity and with quality.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
AAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH
Another blog post that I have started with no clear indication of which way it is going to go as all I want to do this morning is rant and rave and scream.
I want to rant about work, which is stressing me out completly and I want to rant about the unfairness of life as another 2 collegues are pregnant and I am still posioning myself with drugs that do nothing but make me feel crappy and have to go for tests all the time which are always inconclusive. I want to scream at the heavans and ask why the hell have I been chosen for this crap even after all the other crap I have dealt with. Who did I offend? What did I do wrong? Was I someone really terrible in a previous life? My frustration seems to be getting more and more and it only makes me angry which ends in nothing but tears.
I want to scream at all the people who come to me with their problems and issues - the demand I fix everything for them when I want to do is fix myself and I can't. I want the clinic to take me seriously and not forget me in a pile of other 'things to do', I want them to remember that I am a human being and that this is important to me even if I am just another number to them. I am fed up with managing everyone expections when I can't even manage my own.
I seem to spend so much time 'putting on a brave face' and smiling through things, trying to be upbeat and chirpy when inside I am screaming in anger and all I want is to sob my heart out and let people see, recognise and accept my pain. It is so hard to answer the age old question 'are you alright' with a 'no' even when you really want to. How much of all this is my medication talking? I have no idea, maybe a lot more than I give credit for but it doesn't change anything.
I suppose at the end of it all I just want someone to care enough to fix it all.
I want to rant about work, which is stressing me out completly and I want to rant about the unfairness of life as another 2 collegues are pregnant and I am still posioning myself with drugs that do nothing but make me feel crappy and have to go for tests all the time which are always inconclusive. I want to scream at the heavans and ask why the hell have I been chosen for this crap even after all the other crap I have dealt with. Who did I offend? What did I do wrong? Was I someone really terrible in a previous life? My frustration seems to be getting more and more and it only makes me angry which ends in nothing but tears.
I want to scream at all the people who come to me with their problems and issues - the demand I fix everything for them when I want to do is fix myself and I can't. I want the clinic to take me seriously and not forget me in a pile of other 'things to do', I want them to remember that I am a human being and that this is important to me even if I am just another number to them. I am fed up with managing everyone expections when I can't even manage my own.
I seem to spend so much time 'putting on a brave face' and smiling through things, trying to be upbeat and chirpy when inside I am screaming in anger and all I want is to sob my heart out and let people see, recognise and accept my pain. It is so hard to answer the age old question 'are you alright' with a 'no' even when you really want to. How much of all this is my medication talking? I have no idea, maybe a lot more than I give credit for but it doesn't change anything.
I suppose at the end of it all I just want someone to care enough to fix it all.
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