Tonight I am tired.
It is late and there is no way I can sleep and so I am sat up watching the TV and playing online until I feel like I can sleep without having to think or dream. The bottle of wine might help as might the rum and coke and I have managed to have a relaxing evening alone which also included a box of chocolates but I still feel like I am missing something and that something is the fact that that instead of a tummy full of booze I should be 8-9 weeks pregnant but there is no longer any baby for me to protect or nurture.
Wishing that my baby sleeps well with the angels is no small comfort to me as my selfish nature wishes that my baby could sleep well with us but I suppose there is a greater plan that I can neither see nor understand.
My heart at the moment says that if we are ever graced with a baby and a girl then my choice of names stop with Hope and Faith because I am trying to cling onto both at this difficult time however only time will tell and the future is not to been seen.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Friday, November 12, 2010
the day after.
The day after the afternoon before and my appointment has been and gone. Although only an assessment it was hard and left me feeling drained - physically, mentally and emotionally. i did cry, felt like an idiot for doing so and gave myself the king of all heaches doing it so I am not sure if it did me any good or not but my assessment says I have to go back, maybe for some time to work through my emotions until I am in a better place.
This morning has been awful. I have barely slept, been up and doing things like washing since 5am and still left the house at 7.15 to come to work. I know I am going to be on my own this weekend as Andrew is going away to see friends and I know there is plenty of things for me to do including the ironing, cleaning, card making (I am going to need to find more occasions to give people cards as I already have loads made) and generally being alone which might be good for me or it might not, I have not been left alone in what feels like so long I don't remember how to be comfortable with just me anymore.
I have a feeling that I might treat myself to a duvet day, might encourage me to do nothing and remind me that once in a while I am allowed to be selfish and to put myself first.
This morning has been awful. I have barely slept, been up and doing things like washing since 5am and still left the house at 7.15 to come to work. I know I am going to be on my own this weekend as Andrew is going away to see friends and I know there is plenty of things for me to do including the ironing, cleaning, card making (I am going to need to find more occasions to give people cards as I already have loads made) and generally being alone which might be good for me or it might not, I have not been left alone in what feels like so long I don't remember how to be comfortable with just me anymore.
I have a feeling that I might treat myself to a duvet day, might encourage me to do nothing and remind me that once in a while I am allowed to be selfish and to put myself first.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Why don't I want to go . . . .
when I know it will be good for me?
So, today I have my first counselling appointment. It was short notice as there was a cancellation so I will have only known about it for 48 hours by the time I get there and, with 4 and a half hours to go I am terrified of going. I have so little information to arm myself with - I don't know how long the session will last, what the councillor will ask or expect of me and, above all, I don't want to spend the session crying.
I am so tired of crying. It seems over the last 3 weeks all I have done is cry, or spend time stopping myself from bursting into tears at the silliest of little things for example we went to see a fireworks show and, surrounded by families, the only thing I could think was how we should have had our own little one to show the fireworks next year but that dream was no longer an option. I am dreading Christmas because instead of being 14ish weeks pregnant and happily showing people a lovely healthily scan photo I am going to be sat surrounded by nieces and nephews knowing that I am not going to have a baby to share next Christmas with. All my dreams have been dashed and I can no longer find the joy in gatherings which should have been wonderful.
I know that turning into a hermit is the least painful option but the option that I can least afford to take, I can't hide away from life and the people in my life because it reminds me of what I have lost but it is so tempting to do.
One of the things I know that I will have to work on is my reactions to people. Last night Andrew and I were talking and he basically told me that I am 'short' with people and far too opinionated which did nothing for my confidence levels but, if he is right, then it is something I should change but how can you change something you don't know you are doing? Our relationship has gone through some tough times and we have come out stronger but this, after everything he said to me yesterday, might be something we can't survive. He still refuses to talk about how he feels, he never emotes, yes he is a man but how can you deal with something together when one half of the partnership appears to have nothing to deal with? He has been so fast to point out of all my flaws and faults that I can't even see why he wants to be with me.
The last time I hit what I thought was rock bottom I left Andrew, deciding it was better for me to be alone as not to inflict myself on someone else but he persuded me to stay, made me believe that things could only get better. At the moment I can't see why I stayed as the appears to be no bottom, things aren't better, they are worse and I just keep going down.
So, today I have my first counselling appointment. It was short notice as there was a cancellation so I will have only known about it for 48 hours by the time I get there and, with 4 and a half hours to go I am terrified of going. I have so little information to arm myself with - I don't know how long the session will last, what the councillor will ask or expect of me and, above all, I don't want to spend the session crying.
I am so tired of crying. It seems over the last 3 weeks all I have done is cry, or spend time stopping myself from bursting into tears at the silliest of little things for example we went to see a fireworks show and, surrounded by families, the only thing I could think was how we should have had our own little one to show the fireworks next year but that dream was no longer an option. I am dreading Christmas because instead of being 14ish weeks pregnant and happily showing people a lovely healthily scan photo I am going to be sat surrounded by nieces and nephews knowing that I am not going to have a baby to share next Christmas with. All my dreams have been dashed and I can no longer find the joy in gatherings which should have been wonderful.
I know that turning into a hermit is the least painful option but the option that I can least afford to take, I can't hide away from life and the people in my life because it reminds me of what I have lost but it is so tempting to do.
One of the things I know that I will have to work on is my reactions to people. Last night Andrew and I were talking and he basically told me that I am 'short' with people and far too opinionated which did nothing for my confidence levels but, if he is right, then it is something I should change but how can you change something you don't know you are doing? Our relationship has gone through some tough times and we have come out stronger but this, after everything he said to me yesterday, might be something we can't survive. He still refuses to talk about how he feels, he never emotes, yes he is a man but how can you deal with something together when one half of the partnership appears to have nothing to deal with? He has been so fast to point out of all my flaws and faults that I can't even see why he wants to be with me.
The last time I hit what I thought was rock bottom I left Andrew, deciding it was better for me to be alone as not to inflict myself on someone else but he persuded me to stay, made me believe that things could only get better. At the moment I can't see why I stayed as the appears to be no bottom, things aren't better, they are worse and I just keep going down.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Perspective
You know the feeling when a headache is strangling you right across the eye brows and your brain just wants to run away and hide in the nearest corner? That is how I am feeling today.
I have already snapped at enough people to get myself into trouble and I need to regain perspective so here goes:
We have heard this morning that a colleague has passed away from cancer. He was a young man with a wife and young daughter and has battled this disease for the last 12 months. He was, by appearance, fit and healthy, he had an active life style and many friends. He will be missed by all of them. I feel for his family, they will never see him again, never be with him, never share their lives with him. It seems so unfair that someone with everything to live for has been taken from the world in such a cruel fashion.
Why?
It is the question his family must be asking, the same as I keep asking that question in my circumstances but, for them, with sorow and lose so much deeper that I have ever experienced. There can be no answers for them but I hope that they are able to take comfort in the people around them.
I have already snapped at enough people to get myself into trouble and I need to regain perspective so here goes:
We have heard this morning that a colleague has passed away from cancer. He was a young man with a wife and young daughter and has battled this disease for the last 12 months. He was, by appearance, fit and healthy, he had an active life style and many friends. He will be missed by all of them. I feel for his family, they will never see him again, never be with him, never share their lives with him. It seems so unfair that someone with everything to live for has been taken from the world in such a cruel fashion.
Why?
It is the question his family must be asking, the same as I keep asking that question in my circumstances but, for them, with sorow and lose so much deeper that I have ever experienced. There can be no answers for them but I hope that they are able to take comfort in the people around them.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
2 Steps forward, 3 steps back
Yesterday I had such as positive day. The blood taking was not pleasant but it never is and I have started trying to look forwards. Today I feel like yesterday never happened as I seem to have crashed backwards and back into the black hole. My results were going the right way but not quickly enough, I have no idea what difference this makes but it is enough that the tests need to be repeated and there does seem to be some concern.
Today I am feeling sad again, sad that I will never meet the life that started within me, sad that my body had to fail me when I thought all everything was going so well, sad that I am back to square one which might even turn into square minus 1 if my body can't resolve what has happened to it. I just want to be normal - I wish we had been one of the lucky couples who had decided they wanted a family and presto - done. No waiting, no tests, no uncertainties, no grief.
I am still feeling like a social leper. No one seems to know what to say to me and this frustrates me beyond belief because it is not in my nature to know that someone is in pain and say and do nothing - the least I would do is offer comfort. My rational brain tells me that people don't understand and don't want to upset but NEWS FLASH I am already upset, nothing they can say can make it any worse. Even the most hurtful comments are made by well meaning people who are just trying to help and I am grateful that they cared enough to make the effort.
I am going to crawl back in my box now and hope.
Today I am feeling sad again, sad that I will never meet the life that started within me, sad that my body had to fail me when I thought all everything was going so well, sad that I am back to square one which might even turn into square minus 1 if my body can't resolve what has happened to it. I just want to be normal - I wish we had been one of the lucky couples who had decided they wanted a family and presto - done. No waiting, no tests, no uncertainties, no grief.
I am still feeling like a social leper. No one seems to know what to say to me and this frustrates me beyond belief because it is not in my nature to know that someone is in pain and say and do nothing - the least I would do is offer comfort. My rational brain tells me that people don't understand and don't want to upset but NEWS FLASH I am already upset, nothing they can say can make it any worse. Even the most hurtful comments are made by well meaning people who are just trying to help and I am grateful that they cared enough to make the effort.
I am going to crawl back in my box now and hope.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
When the Dust Settles
So, what happens when the dust settles? When you finally come out of the black cloud and remember to start looking forwards again.
It as taken time for this to happen and, while I am not 'over it' by any stretch of the imagination I am at least coming to terms with the position we find ourselves in. it is difficult to quantify things - how do I feel? what do I want to do? At the moment the question of what do I want to eat is beyond me so there is no chance I will be able to say what I want but the day when I am ready to do that is no longer one that I can not see.
I do find it very difficult when people say to me 'at least you know that you can get pregnant', it is hurtful - as if the loss of this baby justifies knowing this as well as the time scale it has taken to get here. I don't want to wait for another 2 and 1/2 years, I want what I can't have, what has been lost. There are also no guarentees that the medication will work again, if I even allowed to continue taking it - I can see the next few weeks being very stressful as we wait for the appointment where the decision will hopefully be made.
I do want to take time to have a moment of thought and prayer for Lily Allen, I can't comprehend the pain she and her partner are in at the moment, to lose a baby at 6 weeks is devastating but to lose a baby at 6 months must be something else entirely.
So, the next question I have asked a lot over the last 2 weeks - is it ok for me to be angry? If it is, and it has to be, who I am entitled to be angry with? For me anger has to be directed somewhere - at myself, Andrew, friends, family, medical staff, random people who I am jealous of because they have what desperatly want. I keep going back to the question: why can teenagers/ drug addicts/ alcoholics/ spongers/ scroungers have a baby when I am still here without one? I work hard, try to be a good person, have a nice home, stable job, wonderful man yet still I feel as if I am being punished.
The dust has started to settle but I can't imagine it staying that way for long enough.
It as taken time for this to happen and, while I am not 'over it' by any stretch of the imagination I am at least coming to terms with the position we find ourselves in. it is difficult to quantify things - how do I feel? what do I want to do? At the moment the question of what do I want to eat is beyond me so there is no chance I will be able to say what I want but the day when I am ready to do that is no longer one that I can not see.
I do find it very difficult when people say to me 'at least you know that you can get pregnant', it is hurtful - as if the loss of this baby justifies knowing this as well as the time scale it has taken to get here. I don't want to wait for another 2 and 1/2 years, I want what I can't have, what has been lost. There are also no guarentees that the medication will work again, if I even allowed to continue taking it - I can see the next few weeks being very stressful as we wait for the appointment where the decision will hopefully be made.
I do want to take time to have a moment of thought and prayer for Lily Allen, I can't comprehend the pain she and her partner are in at the moment, to lose a baby at 6 weeks is devastating but to lose a baby at 6 months must be something else entirely.
So, the next question I have asked a lot over the last 2 weeks - is it ok for me to be angry? If it is, and it has to be, who I am entitled to be angry with? For me anger has to be directed somewhere - at myself, Andrew, friends, family, medical staff, random people who I am jealous of because they have what desperatly want. I keep going back to the question: why can teenagers/ drug addicts/ alcoholics/ spongers/ scroungers have a baby when I am still here without one? I work hard, try to be a good person, have a nice home, stable job, wonderful man yet still I feel as if I am being punished.
The dust has started to settle but I can't imagine it staying that way for long enough.
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