So, I have had no choice but to live the nightmare of the last 6 days, none of my wishes that it wasn't real has benen granted and I am left to deal with the aftermath.
It is real, I have lost the baby that I have fought so hard for, prayed so hard for, wished so hard for and dreamed of. My dream is over and I have no choice but to learn how to deal with it. Spending all day on Tuesday in the hospital was heart breaking; every where we went there were couple celebrating whilst nurses told us how sorry they were. I cried so many times just didn't know what to do, what to say.
At the moment I am tired of people telling me how strong I am, how I will cope and how things wll get better, right now this doesn't help nor can I see it. I also hate the line ' well it worked once, you can get pregnant again' - it is not the point, I wanted that baby, that life, that dream and it has been snatched away from me for a reason that I will never know or understand. I want to scream about the injustice of it but all I can manage is to cry out my grief, frustration and anger. Why does life have to be so unfair, what did I do wrong?
I have so many unanswered questions but nowhere to look for the answers, all I keep asking is what else can go wrong?
what else can be taken from me?
what next?
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
The highs and lows
So after the stress of my last post I wanted to post something that returned to a calmer and much more centred me however the excitment of the last weeks has meant that I can finally annouce to the entire world that everything that I have been through, everything I have done and everything that I have subjected those around me to has been worth it because
I am going to be a mummy!
It seems so very strnage to write these words even after everything I have been through.
I decided to do my first test after nearly of week of feeling awful with every symptom in the book and never dreamed it would be positive, my thought was to see a negative and to move on. 5 days and 3 more tests later and it seemed the dream was real. Blood tests with the doctors which were positive and then an appointment but that is where things started to fall apart.
After questions and an examinations I was sent, at the rush, to the hospital for more tests including an internal and more bloods, when they sent me on my way things seemed pretty positive but some hours later I had the phone call from hell. My blood results were not good. My hormone levels, instead and increasing rapidly, had decreased and there were one of 2 options, a natural misscarriage or, a bit more serious, an ectopic pregnancy.
My world collapsed.
For 7 days and 11 hours I thought something had gone right, our luck had changed and we were on the pathway to better things but I was wrong. I should have known that there was no way we could have some thing so wonderful. In that last 16 hours I have barely stopped crying, I can't sleep and my dream has turned into my worst nightmare.
I have to go back in a couple of days to see what they will do will me and until then all I can do is wait and try and find some way of coping. I have no idea where to start.
I am going to be a mummy!
It seems so very strnage to write these words even after everything I have been through.
I decided to do my first test after nearly of week of feeling awful with every symptom in the book and never dreamed it would be positive, my thought was to see a negative and to move on. 5 days and 3 more tests later and it seemed the dream was real. Blood tests with the doctors which were positive and then an appointment but that is where things started to fall apart.
After questions and an examinations I was sent, at the rush, to the hospital for more tests including an internal and more bloods, when they sent me on my way things seemed pretty positive but some hours later I had the phone call from hell. My blood results were not good. My hormone levels, instead and increasing rapidly, had decreased and there were one of 2 options, a natural misscarriage or, a bit more serious, an ectopic pregnancy.
My world collapsed.
For 7 days and 11 hours I thought something had gone right, our luck had changed and we were on the pathway to better things but I was wrong. I should have known that there was no way we could have some thing so wonderful. In that last 16 hours I have barely stopped crying, I can't sleep and my dream has turned into my worst nightmare.
I have to go back in a couple of days to see what they will do will me and until then all I can do is wait and try and find some way of coping. I have no idea where to start.
Friday, October 8, 2010
Why Me?
Today all I want to do is scream my frustration and lack of patience at anyone that crosses my path. The littlest things are driving me to distraction and I am, once again, getting short and snappy without due need or reason. I can put it down to the medication but it doesn't change how I feel at the bottom of it all:
WHY AM I THE ONLY PERSON IN THE WORLD THAT CAN'T DO THIS OH SO SIMPLE AND NATURAL THING!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I know in my rational brain that I am not the only person who is going through this nightmare and that there are plenty of couples out there going through this and worse than me so why do I feel so alone? Why does it feel like only me that is living this? And why does it feel like no one understands?
A few weeks ago I was approached by a pregnant friend whom I thought was avoiding me. Turned out I was right and she was concerned that just by being around me she would make me feel worse when actually I don't mind, I am pleased for them and wish them all the happiness in the world however I am a human being and can't help being jealous and she understood that - it was not a negative thing, just one of those things that just is. I can chose to walk away if I get upset or angry, I can chose to change the conversation to other, less painful topics but I can't change that some people, not many, but some, treat me like some kind of leper, terrified in case i am 'catching'.
I am still waiting for my coucncelling sessions, it feels like they will never come and it feels like the NHS just doesn't care about me, they would rather help everyone else but me. I had been so hopeful that my appointments would not take long so I could build on what I had already achieved but 7 weeks later I have lost all hope that I will get allocated an appointment at all.
I want to make no apologies to myself for this turning into a rant, that is how I feel and it feels better to slam the keyboard into words in the vain hope that frustration vented here saves a real person from me.
WHY AM I THE ONLY PERSON IN THE WORLD THAT CAN'T DO THIS OH SO SIMPLE AND NATURAL THING!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I know in my rational brain that I am not the only person who is going through this nightmare and that there are plenty of couples out there going through this and worse than me so why do I feel so alone? Why does it feel like only me that is living this? And why does it feel like no one understands?
A few weeks ago I was approached by a pregnant friend whom I thought was avoiding me. Turned out I was right and she was concerned that just by being around me she would make me feel worse when actually I don't mind, I am pleased for them and wish them all the happiness in the world however I am a human being and can't help being jealous and she understood that - it was not a negative thing, just one of those things that just is. I can chose to walk away if I get upset or angry, I can chose to change the conversation to other, less painful topics but I can't change that some people, not many, but some, treat me like some kind of leper, terrified in case i am 'catching'.
I am still waiting for my coucncelling sessions, it feels like they will never come and it feels like the NHS just doesn't care about me, they would rather help everyone else but me. I had been so hopeful that my appointments would not take long so I could build on what I had already achieved but 7 weeks later I have lost all hope that I will get allocated an appointment at all.
I want to make no apologies to myself for this turning into a rant, that is how I feel and it feels better to slam the keyboard into words in the vain hope that frustration vented here saves a real person from me.
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