Another week is over and another week closer to Christmas and, to be honest, I am dreading it.
I have, without realising it, been careful where I have gone, what I have done and who I have spent time with probably as a self defense mechanism as they are the people who offer me the most support as well as lacking opportunities to cause me pain. Christmas will be different as it will involve different people and circumstances.
It is not that I don't want to see people rather I don't want them to see my pain as they can't understand it and sometimes I even think that they don't care (harsh and possibly not true but reading peoples actions and lack of yells volumes to me).
I made the choice to make this Christmas the one that I never want to remember so I am not putting up the tree or decorating the house. I will send some cards but have cut back as well as on gifts and there will be no Christmas cake/puds/ pies. The only reason I will have a Christmas dinner because we are going to my parents in law's house. It does feel like an effort to enjoy myself and sometimes I even feel guilty for doing so despite knowing that life has to go on. Just not yet.
I went back for counselling last night and, to be honest, it was the hardest session so far and my challenge to not cry failed miserably. I sobbed my heart out as I remembered and went through everything I have been through and how I had felt at the time. I remembered the highest high and the lowest low and have realised that while I am still lower than I want to be, there is a long way underneath me to go back to where I was during those really awful days.
So, do I really think this is the worst time of year for this to have happened? Yes is the honest answer as Christmas is always aimed for children and it is a painful reminder for what we have lost.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Friday, November 26, 2010
Positive Mental Attitude
PMA, as many of my online friends call it, is something that I have been a little short of recently but today i have had the news that I have wanted, waited for and prayer I would get. I am allowed to go back onto the medication that helped us concieve and I even have a time line I can follow for it with no more blood tests or scans or investigations. I feel like such a weight has been lifted from me I could actually dance.
Yesterday afternoon I made a choice, I decided to change my hair and have a fringe cut back in. Sounds really little but it changes something about me that has been the same since I was 11 years old - that my fringe was the same length as the rest of my hair and never on my forehead.
But in that choice I decided to take back control of my life, to make a concious effort to regain the old me - all be it with the knowledge and emotions of my experiences but a me that I want to be for my family and my friends. I know that it will take time and there will be set backs but it is a start.
Yesterday afternoon I made a choice, I decided to change my hair and have a fringe cut back in. Sounds really little but it changes something about me that has been the same since I was 11 years old - that my fringe was the same length as the rest of my hair and never on my forehead.
But in that choice I decided to take back control of my life, to make a concious effort to regain the old me - all be it with the knowledge and emotions of my experiences but a me that I want to be for my family and my friends. I know that it will take time and there will be set backs but it is a start.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Dear Andrew,
Do you remember when we met? When life was all smiles and plans for the future. Can you even remember what attracted you to me back then? I remember clearly sitting in the bar in Oustend and you were smiling - you were always so happy back then. Always ready with a smile and a positive outlook and it made you beautiful in my eyes.
Do you remember when we got engaged? How we laughed and cried with joy? how we planned the future? When would be living together in our own home, how beautiful our wedding would be and how happy we would be to declare our love for the world to see with our family and friends beside us?
Do you remember our wedding day? How you looked at me as I met you at the alter in church after I had banned you from turning round to look at me because I didn't want to cry. Standing there next to you felt amazing, I was marrying the man of my dreams, the man who made me so very happy and the man with whom I had so many plans. We laughed, danced and thought the world was ours for the taking.
And look at you now. Your smile is too often absent and we both spend far too much time angry or upset. I spend to much of our time together crying. When we decided we wanted a family of our own I never expected the problems we have faced, I never expected it would be us as the unlucky struggling couple who were an object of pity. When we decided we wanted a family of our own it seemed to be so easy to achieve. And it wasn't.
I remember the disappointment felt when we had to go to the doctors and ask for help. I remember feeling like a failure and you assured me I wasn't. I remember telling you to leave me and find someone else, someone who could make your dreams come true and you told me that I was your dream and all others could be changed. You have sat by me for so many appointments and tests, you have held my hand, passed me a tissue when I needed one and bore the brunt of all my anger and frustration.
Do you remember the light in your eyes when I told you my test result was positive? It was like the hardships and the pain were forgotten and it was our turn for something truly miraculous - something I thought would never happen to us. Everything looked so bright. But then it wasn't to be. We had joked in the car to the hospital about the doctor over reacting and how relieved we would be once everything was confirmed and ok. But not 12 hours later our lives would crash even lower than they had ever been before. I remember that I couldn't look you in the face when I wept for our baby as I knew that I had let you down again and that the perfect life you deserve was going further and further out of your reach.
This last month has been so hard, just getting out of bed has been difficult but knowing you are there beside me, despite everything, means that I know I am not alone. You must love me or you would have left a long time ago.
So the question remains - what next? What else can life throw at us? Challenge us with? I can't see anything being as hard as the last 2 years have been. Short of being without you, I can't see how life could get any worse. Right now, all I want, is to see you smile again as if you hadn't got a care in the world.
With all my love
Victoria
Do you remember when we got engaged? How we laughed and cried with joy? how we planned the future? When would be living together in our own home, how beautiful our wedding would be and how happy we would be to declare our love for the world to see with our family and friends beside us?
Do you remember our wedding day? How you looked at me as I met you at the alter in church after I had banned you from turning round to look at me because I didn't want to cry. Standing there next to you felt amazing, I was marrying the man of my dreams, the man who made me so very happy and the man with whom I had so many plans. We laughed, danced and thought the world was ours for the taking.
And look at you now. Your smile is too often absent and we both spend far too much time angry or upset. I spend to much of our time together crying. When we decided we wanted a family of our own I never expected the problems we have faced, I never expected it would be us as the unlucky struggling couple who were an object of pity. When we decided we wanted a family of our own it seemed to be so easy to achieve. And it wasn't.
I remember the disappointment felt when we had to go to the doctors and ask for help. I remember feeling like a failure and you assured me I wasn't. I remember telling you to leave me and find someone else, someone who could make your dreams come true and you told me that I was your dream and all others could be changed. You have sat by me for so many appointments and tests, you have held my hand, passed me a tissue when I needed one and bore the brunt of all my anger and frustration.
Do you remember the light in your eyes when I told you my test result was positive? It was like the hardships and the pain were forgotten and it was our turn for something truly miraculous - something I thought would never happen to us. Everything looked so bright. But then it wasn't to be. We had joked in the car to the hospital about the doctor over reacting and how relieved we would be once everything was confirmed and ok. But not 12 hours later our lives would crash even lower than they had ever been before. I remember that I couldn't look you in the face when I wept for our baby as I knew that I had let you down again and that the perfect life you deserve was going further and further out of your reach.
This last month has been so hard, just getting out of bed has been difficult but knowing you are there beside me, despite everything, means that I know I am not alone. You must love me or you would have left a long time ago.
So the question remains - what next? What else can life throw at us? Challenge us with? I can't see anything being as hard as the last 2 years have been. Short of being without you, I can't see how life could get any worse. Right now, all I want, is to see you smile again as if you hadn't got a care in the world.
With all my love
Victoria
Monday, November 22, 2010
Time Out
So a weekend away was what we decided we needed months ago and little did we know that it would be even more important when we actually came to it but it was booked so off we went. We had a lovely B+B booked only 10 mins walk out of the town centre and so once we got there we didn't use the car at all. The weekend was spent in a blur of museums, shops, sites, walking, pubs, restaurants and relaxing. Problem is that you always have to come home and restart life again . . . . .
Spending time with Andrew has been great as we have had no other distractions to take away from our time. We have had the chance to talk as well as just be together, often quietly with no constraints on our time. The one purchase we made that was truly significant was a bracelet for me with angel wings on a card which read something along the lines of:
Make A Wish and each time you put on your bracelet remind yourself of your wish and that you are closer to it today than you were yesterday.
It reminds me that my baby is sleeping with the angels but also that we are closer to having our wishes granted and our dreams coming true that we were and that what doesn't kill us will only make us stronger.
Spending time with Andrew has been great as we have had no other distractions to take away from our time. We have had the chance to talk as well as just be together, often quietly with no constraints on our time. The one purchase we made that was truly significant was a bracelet for me with angel wings on a card which read something along the lines of:
Make A Wish and each time you put on your bracelet remind yourself of your wish and that you are closer to it today than you were yesterday.
It reminds me that my baby is sleeping with the angels but also that we are closer to having our wishes granted and our dreams coming true that we were and that what doesn't kill us will only make us stronger.
Yesterday was back to the hospital for another scan, ideal result was a reduced cyst, what I actually got was nothing like as it is still there and still the same size so I am in limbo until the clinic come back to me with information and answers - being not the most patient person in the world I am going insane with the whole lack of knowledge.
The only thing is really means for moment is that the de-stressed and relaxed me has gone away again and I am back to my angry and frustrated self.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Another year older
Another year older . . It is hubby's birthday tomorrow so he will be another year older before we have the end in sight. It is a long time before I am another year older but now, instead of looking forward to the birth of our baby I have no idea where we might be or what we might be doing. It is things like this that remind me of the passage of time.
I spoke to a good friend a few days ago. A good friend whom I have known for about 9 years and whom I speak to regularly but, on occasions, we do go for a few months without speaking when we are both busy however this doesn't change anything. I still consider her to be a good and close friend. She did what she does very well - she talked until I was ready to and then she listened. She is an amazing listener and there are times I don't know how she does it. She never says that she understands, she always says that she can't because life has happened differently for her the same as I can't understand some of the more difficult times she has been through, but to hear that makes a difference.
We talked for a long time, felt like hours and really it wasn't, and I came away remembering that she was there for me, no matter how busy life was and that really I shouldn't have been afraid to call her before now in case she didn't have time for me. She had been concerned about calling me as she didn't know what to say to me but figured, after a couple of text messages, normality was the answer - she was right as always.
As I have come back out from under my black cloud I have spent more and more time talking to my friends and realising the support and, for lack of a better word, love that I have from them. There are times when we can't manage without or friends and I am incredibly grateful to every single one who has offered me so much in the last few weeks. Whilst I would never wish unpleasant times on anyone, I trust that I will be able to return the favour if they ever need it.
I spoke to a good friend a few days ago. A good friend whom I have known for about 9 years and whom I speak to regularly but, on occasions, we do go for a few months without speaking when we are both busy however this doesn't change anything. I still consider her to be a good and close friend. She did what she does very well - she talked until I was ready to and then she listened. She is an amazing listener and there are times I don't know how she does it. She never says that she understands, she always says that she can't because life has happened differently for her the same as I can't understand some of the more difficult times she has been through, but to hear that makes a difference.
We talked for a long time, felt like hours and really it wasn't, and I came away remembering that she was there for me, no matter how busy life was and that really I shouldn't have been afraid to call her before now in case she didn't have time for me. She had been concerned about calling me as she didn't know what to say to me but figured, after a couple of text messages, normality was the answer - she was right as always.
As I have come back out from under my black cloud I have spent more and more time talking to my friends and realising the support and, for lack of a better word, love that I have from them. There are times when we can't manage without or friends and I am incredibly grateful to every single one who has offered me so much in the last few weeks. Whilst I would never wish unpleasant times on anyone, I trust that I will be able to return the favour if they ever need it.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Hope and Faith
Tonight I am tired.
It is late and there is no way I can sleep and so I am sat up watching the TV and playing online until I feel like I can sleep without having to think or dream. The bottle of wine might help as might the rum and coke and I have managed to have a relaxing evening alone which also included a box of chocolates but I still feel like I am missing something and that something is the fact that that instead of a tummy full of booze I should be 8-9 weeks pregnant but there is no longer any baby for me to protect or nurture.
Wishing that my baby sleeps well with the angels is no small comfort to me as my selfish nature wishes that my baby could sleep well with us but I suppose there is a greater plan that I can neither see nor understand.
My heart at the moment says that if we are ever graced with a baby and a girl then my choice of names stop with Hope and Faith because I am trying to cling onto both at this difficult time however only time will tell and the future is not to been seen.
It is late and there is no way I can sleep and so I am sat up watching the TV and playing online until I feel like I can sleep without having to think or dream. The bottle of wine might help as might the rum and coke and I have managed to have a relaxing evening alone which also included a box of chocolates but I still feel like I am missing something and that something is the fact that that instead of a tummy full of booze I should be 8-9 weeks pregnant but there is no longer any baby for me to protect or nurture.
Wishing that my baby sleeps well with the angels is no small comfort to me as my selfish nature wishes that my baby could sleep well with us but I suppose there is a greater plan that I can neither see nor understand.
My heart at the moment says that if we are ever graced with a baby and a girl then my choice of names stop with Hope and Faith because I am trying to cling onto both at this difficult time however only time will tell and the future is not to been seen.
Friday, November 12, 2010
the day after.
The day after the afternoon before and my appointment has been and gone. Although only an assessment it was hard and left me feeling drained - physically, mentally and emotionally. i did cry, felt like an idiot for doing so and gave myself the king of all heaches doing it so I am not sure if it did me any good or not but my assessment says I have to go back, maybe for some time to work through my emotions until I am in a better place.
This morning has been awful. I have barely slept, been up and doing things like washing since 5am and still left the house at 7.15 to come to work. I know I am going to be on my own this weekend as Andrew is going away to see friends and I know there is plenty of things for me to do including the ironing, cleaning, card making (I am going to need to find more occasions to give people cards as I already have loads made) and generally being alone which might be good for me or it might not, I have not been left alone in what feels like so long I don't remember how to be comfortable with just me anymore.
I have a feeling that I might treat myself to a duvet day, might encourage me to do nothing and remind me that once in a while I am allowed to be selfish and to put myself first.
This morning has been awful. I have barely slept, been up and doing things like washing since 5am and still left the house at 7.15 to come to work. I know I am going to be on my own this weekend as Andrew is going away to see friends and I know there is plenty of things for me to do including the ironing, cleaning, card making (I am going to need to find more occasions to give people cards as I already have loads made) and generally being alone which might be good for me or it might not, I have not been left alone in what feels like so long I don't remember how to be comfortable with just me anymore.
I have a feeling that I might treat myself to a duvet day, might encourage me to do nothing and remind me that once in a while I am allowed to be selfish and to put myself first.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Why don't I want to go . . . .
when I know it will be good for me?
So, today I have my first counselling appointment. It was short notice as there was a cancellation so I will have only known about it for 48 hours by the time I get there and, with 4 and a half hours to go I am terrified of going. I have so little information to arm myself with - I don't know how long the session will last, what the councillor will ask or expect of me and, above all, I don't want to spend the session crying.
I am so tired of crying. It seems over the last 3 weeks all I have done is cry, or spend time stopping myself from bursting into tears at the silliest of little things for example we went to see a fireworks show and, surrounded by families, the only thing I could think was how we should have had our own little one to show the fireworks next year but that dream was no longer an option. I am dreading Christmas because instead of being 14ish weeks pregnant and happily showing people a lovely healthily scan photo I am going to be sat surrounded by nieces and nephews knowing that I am not going to have a baby to share next Christmas with. All my dreams have been dashed and I can no longer find the joy in gatherings which should have been wonderful.
I know that turning into a hermit is the least painful option but the option that I can least afford to take, I can't hide away from life and the people in my life because it reminds me of what I have lost but it is so tempting to do.
One of the things I know that I will have to work on is my reactions to people. Last night Andrew and I were talking and he basically told me that I am 'short' with people and far too opinionated which did nothing for my confidence levels but, if he is right, then it is something I should change but how can you change something you don't know you are doing? Our relationship has gone through some tough times and we have come out stronger but this, after everything he said to me yesterday, might be something we can't survive. He still refuses to talk about how he feels, he never emotes, yes he is a man but how can you deal with something together when one half of the partnership appears to have nothing to deal with? He has been so fast to point out of all my flaws and faults that I can't even see why he wants to be with me.
The last time I hit what I thought was rock bottom I left Andrew, deciding it was better for me to be alone as not to inflict myself on someone else but he persuded me to stay, made me believe that things could only get better. At the moment I can't see why I stayed as the appears to be no bottom, things aren't better, they are worse and I just keep going down.
So, today I have my first counselling appointment. It was short notice as there was a cancellation so I will have only known about it for 48 hours by the time I get there and, with 4 and a half hours to go I am terrified of going. I have so little information to arm myself with - I don't know how long the session will last, what the councillor will ask or expect of me and, above all, I don't want to spend the session crying.
I am so tired of crying. It seems over the last 3 weeks all I have done is cry, or spend time stopping myself from bursting into tears at the silliest of little things for example we went to see a fireworks show and, surrounded by families, the only thing I could think was how we should have had our own little one to show the fireworks next year but that dream was no longer an option. I am dreading Christmas because instead of being 14ish weeks pregnant and happily showing people a lovely healthily scan photo I am going to be sat surrounded by nieces and nephews knowing that I am not going to have a baby to share next Christmas with. All my dreams have been dashed and I can no longer find the joy in gatherings which should have been wonderful.
I know that turning into a hermit is the least painful option but the option that I can least afford to take, I can't hide away from life and the people in my life because it reminds me of what I have lost but it is so tempting to do.
One of the things I know that I will have to work on is my reactions to people. Last night Andrew and I were talking and he basically told me that I am 'short' with people and far too opinionated which did nothing for my confidence levels but, if he is right, then it is something I should change but how can you change something you don't know you are doing? Our relationship has gone through some tough times and we have come out stronger but this, after everything he said to me yesterday, might be something we can't survive. He still refuses to talk about how he feels, he never emotes, yes he is a man but how can you deal with something together when one half of the partnership appears to have nothing to deal with? He has been so fast to point out of all my flaws and faults that I can't even see why he wants to be with me.
The last time I hit what I thought was rock bottom I left Andrew, deciding it was better for me to be alone as not to inflict myself on someone else but he persuded me to stay, made me believe that things could only get better. At the moment I can't see why I stayed as the appears to be no bottom, things aren't better, they are worse and I just keep going down.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Perspective
You know the feeling when a headache is strangling you right across the eye brows and your brain just wants to run away and hide in the nearest corner? That is how I am feeling today.
I have already snapped at enough people to get myself into trouble and I need to regain perspective so here goes:
We have heard this morning that a colleague has passed away from cancer. He was a young man with a wife and young daughter and has battled this disease for the last 12 months. He was, by appearance, fit and healthy, he had an active life style and many friends. He will be missed by all of them. I feel for his family, they will never see him again, never be with him, never share their lives with him. It seems so unfair that someone with everything to live for has been taken from the world in such a cruel fashion.
Why?
It is the question his family must be asking, the same as I keep asking that question in my circumstances but, for them, with sorow and lose so much deeper that I have ever experienced. There can be no answers for them but I hope that they are able to take comfort in the people around them.
I have already snapped at enough people to get myself into trouble and I need to regain perspective so here goes:
We have heard this morning that a colleague has passed away from cancer. He was a young man with a wife and young daughter and has battled this disease for the last 12 months. He was, by appearance, fit and healthy, he had an active life style and many friends. He will be missed by all of them. I feel for his family, they will never see him again, never be with him, never share their lives with him. It seems so unfair that someone with everything to live for has been taken from the world in such a cruel fashion.
Why?
It is the question his family must be asking, the same as I keep asking that question in my circumstances but, for them, with sorow and lose so much deeper that I have ever experienced. There can be no answers for them but I hope that they are able to take comfort in the people around them.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
2 Steps forward, 3 steps back
Yesterday I had such as positive day. The blood taking was not pleasant but it never is and I have started trying to look forwards. Today I feel like yesterday never happened as I seem to have crashed backwards and back into the black hole. My results were going the right way but not quickly enough, I have no idea what difference this makes but it is enough that the tests need to be repeated and there does seem to be some concern.
Today I am feeling sad again, sad that I will never meet the life that started within me, sad that my body had to fail me when I thought all everything was going so well, sad that I am back to square one which might even turn into square minus 1 if my body can't resolve what has happened to it. I just want to be normal - I wish we had been one of the lucky couples who had decided they wanted a family and presto - done. No waiting, no tests, no uncertainties, no grief.
I am still feeling like a social leper. No one seems to know what to say to me and this frustrates me beyond belief because it is not in my nature to know that someone is in pain and say and do nothing - the least I would do is offer comfort. My rational brain tells me that people don't understand and don't want to upset but NEWS FLASH I am already upset, nothing they can say can make it any worse. Even the most hurtful comments are made by well meaning people who are just trying to help and I am grateful that they cared enough to make the effort.
I am going to crawl back in my box now and hope.
Today I am feeling sad again, sad that I will never meet the life that started within me, sad that my body had to fail me when I thought all everything was going so well, sad that I am back to square one which might even turn into square minus 1 if my body can't resolve what has happened to it. I just want to be normal - I wish we had been one of the lucky couples who had decided they wanted a family and presto - done. No waiting, no tests, no uncertainties, no grief.
I am still feeling like a social leper. No one seems to know what to say to me and this frustrates me beyond belief because it is not in my nature to know that someone is in pain and say and do nothing - the least I would do is offer comfort. My rational brain tells me that people don't understand and don't want to upset but NEWS FLASH I am already upset, nothing they can say can make it any worse. Even the most hurtful comments are made by well meaning people who are just trying to help and I am grateful that they cared enough to make the effort.
I am going to crawl back in my box now and hope.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
When the Dust Settles
So, what happens when the dust settles? When you finally come out of the black cloud and remember to start looking forwards again.
It as taken time for this to happen and, while I am not 'over it' by any stretch of the imagination I am at least coming to terms with the position we find ourselves in. it is difficult to quantify things - how do I feel? what do I want to do? At the moment the question of what do I want to eat is beyond me so there is no chance I will be able to say what I want but the day when I am ready to do that is no longer one that I can not see.
I do find it very difficult when people say to me 'at least you know that you can get pregnant', it is hurtful - as if the loss of this baby justifies knowing this as well as the time scale it has taken to get here. I don't want to wait for another 2 and 1/2 years, I want what I can't have, what has been lost. There are also no guarentees that the medication will work again, if I even allowed to continue taking it - I can see the next few weeks being very stressful as we wait for the appointment where the decision will hopefully be made.
I do want to take time to have a moment of thought and prayer for Lily Allen, I can't comprehend the pain she and her partner are in at the moment, to lose a baby at 6 weeks is devastating but to lose a baby at 6 months must be something else entirely.
So, the next question I have asked a lot over the last 2 weeks - is it ok for me to be angry? If it is, and it has to be, who I am entitled to be angry with? For me anger has to be directed somewhere - at myself, Andrew, friends, family, medical staff, random people who I am jealous of because they have what desperatly want. I keep going back to the question: why can teenagers/ drug addicts/ alcoholics/ spongers/ scroungers have a baby when I am still here without one? I work hard, try to be a good person, have a nice home, stable job, wonderful man yet still I feel as if I am being punished.
The dust has started to settle but I can't imagine it staying that way for long enough.
It as taken time for this to happen and, while I am not 'over it' by any stretch of the imagination I am at least coming to terms with the position we find ourselves in. it is difficult to quantify things - how do I feel? what do I want to do? At the moment the question of what do I want to eat is beyond me so there is no chance I will be able to say what I want but the day when I am ready to do that is no longer one that I can not see.
I do find it very difficult when people say to me 'at least you know that you can get pregnant', it is hurtful - as if the loss of this baby justifies knowing this as well as the time scale it has taken to get here. I don't want to wait for another 2 and 1/2 years, I want what I can't have, what has been lost. There are also no guarentees that the medication will work again, if I even allowed to continue taking it - I can see the next few weeks being very stressful as we wait for the appointment where the decision will hopefully be made.
I do want to take time to have a moment of thought and prayer for Lily Allen, I can't comprehend the pain she and her partner are in at the moment, to lose a baby at 6 weeks is devastating but to lose a baby at 6 months must be something else entirely.
So, the next question I have asked a lot over the last 2 weeks - is it ok for me to be angry? If it is, and it has to be, who I am entitled to be angry with? For me anger has to be directed somewhere - at myself, Andrew, friends, family, medical staff, random people who I am jealous of because they have what desperatly want. I keep going back to the question: why can teenagers/ drug addicts/ alcoholics/ spongers/ scroungers have a baby when I am still here without one? I work hard, try to be a good person, have a nice home, stable job, wonderful man yet still I feel as if I am being punished.
The dust has started to settle but I can't imagine it staying that way for long enough.
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