The Future

It is strange to look at a future that has so many 'what ifs' in it, when we first decided we wanted to start a family I did look at future events and make provision for the 'if we are lucky' senario - would I be ok to travel, would I be ok to drink etc etc the list was endless. After time passed I made the choice not to plan for the best but that stopped me from planning altogether. I still have things there but no longer did I plan for them, they just sort of snuck up on me. it did make life a bit more exciting for a time although slightly less organised but it has meant that the last year has flown past me and looking back I have nothing to show for it.

But, with the change that has occured in my outlook with the confirmaiton of what the problem is and a potential fix being prescribed my outlook has changed back to the 'what if we are lucky' with a eye half open to the fact that there is a future which, one way or another I will have to deal with.

I do have, at the back of my mind, the question - what happens if this medication doesn't work? What would be the next step? There are so many possible variations that I will not have these answers until it actually happens and the more I think about it to more I panic that the medication will not work when I know (sensible head on) that there is a good possbility if the diagnosis is correct it should work in the next 6 months.

I would dearly love to call the fertility clinic and cancel the appointment they have already sent to me for 6 months time . . . . .

Hope

It has been a quiet few days so I decided it was time for a little reflection as so much has been happening all around me and I don't seem to have found the time to record how things are affecting me. I have, over the past few weeks, been much more open with my friends about the situation we are in and I have found that it is such a lift to be able to talk freely (when the right time, situation and circumstances arise).


I am still waiting for my councelling appointment to come through but the longer I wait the nearer it is plus I have the added hope that the medication I have been prescribed will do some good. It is hard trying not to get your hopes up know that there is a chance that the doctor is wrong and that it will not work because the crash of failure gets harder and harder and it seems, for me, that the more hopeful I am, the harder I crash and the harder it is to put myself back together.

The more I think about things, the more I decide that I am done crying - I really have run out of tears: doesn't matter what sort of tears they are - saddness, anger, frustration, they are all the same at the end of the day. I keep telling myself that the time has come to turn my life around, to live it my way and to accept what is, is and what will be, will be. It is not easy and will take timea nd effort but one day I hope to suceed.

Feeling Sad

It does seem like a long time since I entered into this blog but today I feel the need.


There have been a couple of sucessful couples sharing their wonderful news over the last week or so and I am incredibly pleased for them. I wish them all the happiness in the world but . . . .

I am still jealous. Plus I have fianlly heard that a friend's 3rd and final round of IVF has failed and it hammers home just how unfair life can be. At the moment I can't get my head around it nor can I answer that why? What did I (or my friend) ever do to deserve this nightmare? Why have been been chosen to suffer like this?

My jealousy usually makes me angry, mainly at myself for not feeling over the moon for people who have good news and for failing Andrew in this. Today, I just feel sad. I feel like whatever or whoever is out to get me might as well just get on with it, suceed and move on to someone else. I am tired of crying, sometimes I wonder if I will ever run out of tears but it hasn't happened yet so I figure there are always more.