Christmas

Over the last few days I have been reminded how lucky I am with my friends and family. Again we are offered love and support by people when it is least expected but most needed.

Christmas was dfficult as it was a mile stone I had to reach and, in my thoughts, survive but thanks to my mother in law whose compassion and understanding never fails to astound me I was fine, I enjoyed being in company and spending time with Andrew's family. I realise that I have still have my limits and I have enjoyed spending time with me, doing what I want to do when I want to do it and relaxing. I have enjoyed spending time with the people I choose to and being allowed to talk when I want and listen when it is needed.

I want to take a moment to think of a good friend who is struggling with breast cancer. Having seen my Mum and Grandma go through a similar battle I really wish her all the best and I hope her fight becomes easier as I would never wish her suffering and illness on anyone.

My wish is that the New Year brings better things for all those out there suffering in what ever form.

Milestones

I know that practically I had put in my mind a lot of milestones that will no longer happen: a 12 week scan, telling people our good news, a 20 week scan, shopping trips, decorating the spare room and, eventually, a due date. This week would have been the first of these milestones and it reminds me of where I am and where I been to get here.

I know that reaching these milestones will be emotional times I am just not sure what emotions to expect. At the moment I am still feeling a profound loose and the sadness that goes with it, I am also very angry that after everything we have had to suffer we have to go through this as well.

The other emotion I have is one of hope. We managed the first hurdle, fell at the second fine but we cleared the first (even with a leg up of medication) which has be a positive thing and something that we can cling to when the sadness and the anger gets to be too much.

I really want to be more positive, I feel that I owe it to the people who have been there for me, listened to me and supported me and hopefully in time I will get there for me as well as for them. I am starting to believe it when they say that time is the greatest healer so my next request is: can time move more quickly please?

Over-reacting

After Sunday's mammoth over reaction I have spent some time thinking about when a reaction is to much and why I sometimes over react to the situations I am confronted with. As with Sunday it was the littlest of things - a mucky kitchen floor which was a base on which to build full bins, DVDs left out, crumbs on the coffee table, nothing out for tea and so on until all these little things took on a life of their very own and my brain could not deal with any of them.

Talking over what happened I have seen that I used the situation to vent anger that I have been sat on that had absolutely nothing to do with the actual situation I was in. It does throw into perspective just how angry I am and that I need to find a less harmful way of expressing that anger so it doesn't turn into something destructive. I read back my last post and I can read the anger in it. I can also read how stubborn I can be. And this makes me very sad.


So the question is - will I ever over react again? Almost definitely but I hope that I can manage not to blow things as far out of proportion to that level of anger as I did last weekend. I am going away again this weekend, the people around me think the break will do me good however they said that about last weekend and that didn't end well at all. I guess only time will tell . . .

Life never seems to get any easier, doesn't seem to matter what you do it always comes back to something little that tips the balance back downwards.

So, a weekend with friends on my. Something I was not looking forward to completely but it was necessary and it was nice to be reminded of the friends that I have and the support that that give me. But, and it is a massive but, I came home to a mess. The house was in a state and I was furious. If I never have to scream at someone they way I screamed at Andrew this afternoon I will be happy. It is never good when in screaming you retch and have to stop or throw up. I was so angry and over something so small, a dirty kitchen floor but as I went round and added everything up that I saw - lounge needed hoovering, kitchen sink was disgusting, washing up not done, nothing out of the freezer for tea - it became something massive in my mind and my brain went into meltdown.

At the moment I am hiding in my bedroom and have been here for over 3 hours because I am still too angry to even try and talk to him and, because he makes no effort, stalemate will remain until bedtime when I will still be to angry (or, if I am honest, to stubborn) to be in the same room as him meaning another night on the sofa. I know it is childish and I know there are more important things in life but my brain tells me he doesn't care. He doesn't care about home I work so hard to for, he doesn't care that doing these little things means that I can at least try and relax (something he shouts at me for not doing), and, when boiled down, he doesn't care what the little things mean in my mind - they mean that I am not fighting alone, they mean I don't have to deal with everything on my own and they mean, to me, an outward sign of love and respect.

Mum tells me not the let the little things get to me but I don't seem to be able to let them go. I want 'me' back, the 'me' that would have laughed and got sorted with a smile, the 'me' that wouldn't have made such a massive deal over a kitchen foor but I have lost me and I don't know where she is or how to find her.