Life never seems to get any easier, doesn't seem to matter what you do it always comes back to something little that tips the balance back downwards.

So, a weekend with friends on my. Something I was not looking forward to completely but it was necessary and it was nice to be reminded of the friends that I have and the support that that give me. But, and it is a massive but, I came home to a mess. The house was in a state and I was furious. If I never have to scream at someone they way I screamed at Andrew this afternoon I will be happy. It is never good when in screaming you retch and have to stop or throw up. I was so angry and over something so small, a dirty kitchen floor but as I went round and added everything up that I saw - lounge needed hoovering, kitchen sink was disgusting, washing up not done, nothing out of the freezer for tea - it became something massive in my mind and my brain went into meltdown.

At the moment I am hiding in my bedroom and have been here for over 3 hours because I am still too angry to even try and talk to him and, because he makes no effort, stalemate will remain until bedtime when I will still be to angry (or, if I am honest, to stubborn) to be in the same room as him meaning another night on the sofa. I know it is childish and I know there are more important things in life but my brain tells me he doesn't care. He doesn't care about home I work so hard to for, he doesn't care that doing these little things means that I can at least try and relax (something he shouts at me for not doing), and, when boiled down, he doesn't care what the little things mean in my mind - they mean that I am not fighting alone, they mean I don't have to deal with everything on my own and they mean, to me, an outward sign of love and respect.

Mum tells me not the let the little things get to me but I don't seem to be able to let them go. I want 'me' back, the 'me' that would have laughed and got sorted with a smile, the 'me' that wouldn't have made such a massive deal over a kitchen foor but I have lost me and I don't know where she is or how to find her.