Dieting

Today I wanted to write something about a thing that invades my life every single day, something I think about and something I need to regain control of. What is this thing I hear you ask?

Food.
Nothing more than food and with the start of the new year, the re-starting of the diet (or at least an attempt to restart the diet) and my plan to regain some control means that this has been a thought for a while.


So, first things first. A confession. I am a comfort eater. I eat because it makes me feel better, not always because I am hungry. I thought, stupidly, that being aware of it meant I could stop myself from doing it but it would seem that I am very wrong. Today is the day that I have chosen (after an amazing weekend with my friends) to start to try and make a conscious effort to at least look at what I am eating in the hope that this can lead me back in to a cycle of being in control. In that vain this morning so far I have had some cornflakes and a hot chocolate.

Wish me luck as I have done this a number of times in my life dso far and the cycle has yet to be broken.

Earning a Living

Today has been a pretty crappy day in the office so I decided to take a moment to record how my circumstances have affected and been affected by the fact I work full time and the job that I do. There are days when I just don't want to get out of bed to come to work but I have no choice.

I have to remember, and sometimes it is hard to, that I work for a good company and my boss is very understanding. He has allowed me the flexibility I have needed to attend appointments, to take time off and to have melt downs. He has also tried to be an ear when I have needed one and for that I must be grateful. But, I work in a busy, fast paced office with people flying all over the place all of the time and when all I want to do is hide and be left to be busy in peace it is hard to achieve.

I have also found it very hard, at times, to be around people who have no idea what is going on. People that barely know me and get still I have to continue to make polite conversation about whatever topic they come up with, often families and children, which, whilst some days is fine, other days is very hard for me to manage.

Taking time off for appointments does make me feel incredibly guilty and I desperately try to make up time taken so that no one can say I am taking the mickey but this is hard to do when you have a long commute and a lot of appointments, often grouped together. The other thing I struggle with is the length of time I have been asked for the flexibility and how sometimes I feel that it is just one trauma after another. I do look forward to the day when I can say all my appointments are done but that means the ulitmate failure in that there is nothing left to be done with me.

Work is a necesity, there is nothing short of a lottery win that can change that and the best I can do is grit my teeth and get on with it remembering that I have good friends and understanding when I need it but hoping that one day, just maybe, I will have a more important job to do . . . .

What Makes a Mother - a poem by Jennifer Wasik

I thought of you and closed my eyes
and prayer to God today
I asked what makes a mother
and I know I heard him say . . .


A mother has a baby
This we know is true
but God, can you be a mother
when your baby is not with you?


Yes, you can He replied
with confidence in his voice
I give many women babies
When they leave is not their choice


Some I send for a lifetime
and other just for a day
And some I send to feel your womb
But there's no need to stay


I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here
He took a breath and cleared his throat
and then I saw a tear


I wish I could show you
What your child is doing today
If you could see your child smile
with the other children and say:


We go to earth to learn our lesson
of love and life and fear
my mommy loved me oh so much
I got come straight here


I feel so lucky to have a mom
who has so much love for me
I learned my lessons very quickly
my mommy set me free


I miss my mommy oh so much
but I visit every day
When she goes to sleep
on her pillow is where I lay


I stroke her hair and kiss her check
and whisper in her ear
Mommy don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I'm here

So, you see my dear sweet one
Your children are not blue
your babies are here in MY home
They'll be at Heaven's gate waiting for you

So now you see what makes a mother
Its the feeling in your heart
Its the Love you had so much of
right from the very start

Though some on earth may not realise you are a mother
until their time is done
they'll be up here with me one day
and they'll know you were the best one

On the Road Again

I have counselling again last night and after a good session which ended with me feeling uplifted and proud of my ability to finally manage my emotions I was told that I could be discharged. Wow, that was a shock and it felt like a rug had been pulled out from under me but then I realised - the rug can't stay there forever, I have to get on with my life, I have turn the pages to a fresh one and get on with my life. Have I finished grieving? I am not sure but I am sure that I have accepted what has happened and that it was not my fault and that it doesn't mean that there is no future, it just means that the road has taken an unexpected and difficult route.

There are still some things that I am not sure I am ready for but I finally want to be out in the world, spending time with more people and not hiding at home and only seeing those whom I feel the most comfortable with. I can finally see that the future is out there and that good things can happen.

Yesterday I did have a 'light bulb switches on' moment when I took time to think about and talk about the support network I have. Not only am I lucky enough to have a family (mine and in laws) that care deeply but I have friends. These friends have spent their precious time supporting me and for that I am grateful. Some of my friends have drifted away for whatever reason, I am hoping time will bring most of them back, some of my friends have become much closer and I realised yesterday that does bring me a great deal of happiness.

So, today I feel like I am back on the road again, where that roads goes I don't know and what it will bring might be postive or not but I know that I have support and I have learnt that it is ok to ask for help.

Happy New Year

and a better year is all I can wish for. I remember when the clock struck midnight and we welcomed 2010 I wished for a good year and Andrew and I, a year that brought us closer to having a family as well as some answers but really when I look back all I can see is a year of sorrow and disappointment. I really don't want 2011 to be the same.

So, time for some new year resolutions:
1) Learn to and take time to appreciate the little things
2) Don't let the little things turn into big things and get all out of proportion
3) Take time to do the things I want to do, even if that means doing nothing at all
4) Ask for help
5) Be there for family and friends when they need me

I refuse to set myself goals that I have no control over and I no longer want my life to be held back waiting for things. I want to be in control and I want to be able to take the life I have and live it to the best of my abilities.

When the clock stuck midnight Andew and I held each other, reminded ourselves that we have each other and that it makes us very lucky no matter what else we have dealt with. I was able to look round the room and be reminded of family and of friends, all of which I need to appreciate more. I have things to look forward to - we want to plan another long weekend city break for Andrew's birthday in November, re-enactment events with friends who mean the world the me, visits to see family and friends for no other reason than because it is good to see them.

Oh and another hospital appointment in mid February ............