Could this be the worst time of year?

Another week is over and another week closer to Christmas and, to be honest, I am dreading it.

I have, without realising it, been careful where I have gone, what I have done and who I have spent time with probably as a self defense mechanism as they are the people who offer me the most support as well as lacking opportunities to cause me pain. Christmas will be different as it will involve different people and circumstances.


It is not that I don't want to see people rather I don't want them to see my pain as they can't understand it and sometimes I even think that they don't care (harsh and possibly not true but reading peoples actions and lack of yells volumes to me).


I made the choice to make this Christmas the one that I never want to remember so I am not putting up the tree or decorating the house. I will send some cards but have cut back as well as on gifts and there will be no Christmas cake/puds/ pies. The only reason I will have a Christmas dinner because we are going to my parents in law's house. It does feel like an effort to enjoy myself and sometimes I even feel guilty for doing so despite knowing that life has to go on. Just not yet.

I went back for counselling last night and, to be honest, it was the hardest session so far and my challenge to not cry failed miserably. I sobbed my heart out as I remembered and went through everything I have been through and how I had felt at the time. I remembered the highest high and the lowest low and have realised that while I am still lower than I want to be, there is a long way underneath me to go back to where I was during those really awful days.

So, do I really think this is the worst time of year for this to have happened? Yes is the honest answer as Christmas is always aimed for children and it is a painful reminder for what we have lost.