Had Enough

This afternoon I feel like I have been bombarded with the things that make me feel the worst, things that remind me of my sadness, my jealousy, my angry and the fact that I feel like I have failed in so many ways. I can't seem to avoid them and maybe I am being overly sensitive but sometimes I wounder if I have the right to be?

I go to a discussion forum with a dedicated board for those trying but it is full of ladies going for number 2, 3, 4 or even more and whilst they suceed I am struggling to be happy for them in my own unhappiness and that feels wrong and very unkind. There are ladies suceeding after just a few months and I am the same with them. The few long term ladies like me seem to be hiding away and I wonder if they feel the same way that i do?

I so want my old life back, the one where I never cried, the one where I was happy and could see a future of happiness in front of me, the one that didn't hold grief or anger or jealousy, the life I had before June 2008 when we made the choice to try for a family. The life that made sense.

I look into the future and see more unhappiness - I see what would have been my due date. I am supposed to be going to a re-enactment event on that date where I will be expected to take charge, be in control and organise people and I am dreading it, I just don't want to go. I see the summer when I hoped that I could be looking forward to our baby being born rolling out in more tablets that make me feel awful, more blood tests and more failed cycles. I see another Christmas looming which will be just Andrew and I when it should have been so much more than that. I see more people annoucing pregnancies, births, birthdays - all of which I remind me how long this nightmare has been going on for: all of which remind me of what I have failed to achieve.

I want to give up.
I want to throw in the towel , throw away the tablets and the letters and the tests - everything that has to do with this journey and just say enough, it is not worth it. I used to think that there would be a point at which I would be be allowed to give up. Andrew always seems to talk me into continuing, I know this is his dream as well but it is not him that is poked and prodded, that has to loose dignity in examinations and has to anwer intimate questions. he doesn't have to take tablets that make him feel awful and he didn't have to feel his baby leave his body.
But, and it is a big but, I can't help wondering if it will be worth it, if I will be able to look back at this post from a happier place and say it was worth it, it was worth all of it.