Why do I watch it?

Last night I curled up on the sofa in front of the TV, cats snuggled around me, and subjected myself to the latest episode of One Born Every Minute. Every week I have done this - for this series and the last as well as watching the Christmas specials on catch up. And every time I watch it I ask myself why. Why do I put myself through a programme that just causes me grief, anger and a profound sense of loss?

A lot depends on the families shown as to how it makes me react. Last night a couple who had suffered recurrent miscarriage had their dreams of a healthy baby come true which was a beautiful moment but couple bemoaning accidental pregnancy just make me feel so angry. No matter what and who is shown I always finish up with a sense that something wonderful is missing from my life and that I am worse off as a person because of it.

So why do I watch it? My honest answer is I don't know. Could it be for the same reason that people always look towards accidents? Maybe I am a glutton for punishing myself? Maybe one day I will have the answer.

Last night Andrew came home to a very sad me, one who had curled up in bed to continue to cry without any attempt to stop. For him I wish I could be stronger. I wish I could be more positive and remain hopeful and so my plan is to try, for Lent, to give up negativity. I want to make an active effort to be more positive and to remember that the future is not set and, while I will have waited for it, the future of my dreams can still be reached.