The Light at the End of the Tunnel

There always has to be a light at the end of every tunnel however isn't it refreshing when you finally realise that it might not be the train coming to run you over.


That is how I trying to look at my tunnel at the moment: my consultant has identified a problem and is taking steps to fix it so one day I might even reach the end of the tunnel - finally I can start to believe it: it has to be the first time in what feels like forever.


Something that my CBT therapist always stresses is to look back at the good things in life - what made me laugh, made me happy and what brought me joy especially in my relationships. Whilst I can see the benefit of this I desperatly want to look to the future, I know it is unknown but it does not stop be from having hope or faith (both things I have struggled to find what with everything round me that clouded my outlook).

In that vein I want to take a moment to remember what brought hubby and me together. We had met a couple of times at various places over a fair span of time but I always remembered his smile and the way he was so respectful and thoughtful of me - strange when I was so used to being completly independant. The first time he visited me at home I had been sent home from work (using flexi leave) a couple of hours early because I was driving my team leader mad with my excitment. All we did all evening was talk - me sat on the chair, him on the sofa and we covered so much ground it was strange - here was someone I was truely comfortable sharing with and it seemed he was the same with me. There have been times when this has been lost amongst the porblems but it has always come back and allowed us to build on whatever has been thrown our way.

I remember all the gifts he has brought me from beautiful bright and vibrant flowers to a DVD he knew I wanted to see to the most beautiful earing and necklace set I had ever seen for our first Christmas together. I remember crying when he presented me with the most perfect engagement ring ever. He had taken time to chose it, have it made to the correct size (by borrowing an old ring from my jewllery box) and make it personal to me - many people think he was very brave, to me it shows how well he knows me as well as how much he loves me.
He still gives me gifts today - more thoughtful as money is tight but the biggest thing he has given me is the gift of time - his patientence should be a thing of legend and with me, he needs it. He has never lost the ability to make me smile or laugh and he never fails to remind me how much he loves me no matter what.

No matter what goes on, I will remember how lucky I am to have found him.

Being Daft

Have you ever sat down and thought back on something that has happened and wondered if you over reacted? I seem to be doing that more and more recently especially given my tendancy to blow things out of all reasonable proportions for example:



There is a baby in the family, 5 months old and I am really hurt that I have never had a cuddle. I have been offered a cuddle once, when I had flu and really shouldn't even have been in the room with a small baby never mind sharing air with one so at the time I politly said ' love to but I'm not well, it is not fair on baby'. I know that the explanation is simple - not the right time or circumstances, they may even think that to offer would be to hurt my feelings or cause me distress but I sometimes feel like they don't trust me - like the think I am going to run away with him. My husband is the same boat with this one and I presume the reasoning is the same, he never says how it makes him feel or whether it bothers him which leaves me wondering if I am, in fact, being daft.



I suppose the easy answer is 'ask for a cuddle', whenever I think about this I always hear people shouting that in my head but I think it would be even more awkward for them to frind an excuse to say no if they really didn't want me anywhere near plus I am far to polite to push myself on them.

I guess there is no answer.

The Fear

One thing that has struck me as I have traversed this path is how frightening everything can be maybe it is all down to a lack of undertsand and information of just that it is something that you don't get exposed to. I did know a couple who adopted becuase they couldn't have their own children but that is the limit of the information. It must be that either they didn't want to talk about it or no one was prepared to listen to them.

It seems then, infertility (especially when it is unexplained) is a bit of a taboo subject which leads me to wonder why? From my experience it is embarassing to admit it - feeling like a failure as a woman has been a key emotion that I regualary do battle with, add that to the pressure that everyone around you seems to be having families with breaking sweat so they have moved onwards meaning that you no longer seem as welcome in the group. You have less to contribute and because you have not been so lucky, your opinions don't count because you could never understand.

I suppose the one thing I can be grateful for is that I have no fear of the hospital or any of the clinics I have been round (GP, gynae, fertility, x-ray, etc) nor the staff there who to a man have been supportive, undertsanding and helpful. Key to this was the waiting room which is the same one for lots of departments - gynae, fertility and anti-natal being the key 3. When I fist attended the walls were plastered in material for the expectant family - birth options, labour wrd tours, anti- natal groups, I had never been so assulted with something that made me feel so awful in my life. But, after a good cry, I took matters into my own hands and wrote to the PCT to explain how the space made me feel and why - they were excellent and made departmental changes so that all couples in our shoes could have somewhere different to wait, somewhere with more neutral information on the walls, somewhere that meant less stress leading up to actually being seen. It gave me back some faith in the system as well as the people behind it.

My biggest fear is that I have let my husband down: that I have, in some way, failed him because it is my fault that we are in this position. He never says it and when I try and explain this is how I feel he always reassures me that he never feels like this and will always love me no matter what happens but my illogical brain refuses to accept this. I know that he woudl never leave me but in my darkest moments I wonder if I should leave him to live his dreams, even it that means he does this with some one else and I end up alone. I keep thinking better that that give up everything for me - I can't accept that he thinks I am worth it.

I suppose I am lucky in that without my husband or other key people in my life I would never have found the strength to ask for help, help from an external source with I have been lucky enough to get from a course of CBT, something I would recomend to anyone who finds life a struggle at times.

The dreaded HSG

I figured, with this being one of the most nightmarish procedures I had to deal with I would give it an entry all of its very own.



After battling for 2 months for an appointment (hard to get one on the right cycle day when they only run them on one afternoon in a week) I got one and had exactly 2 days to prepare for it. reading the internet is great as is asking for other people's experiences so honesty has to be king.



X-ray machines are some of the most daunting I have come across so to be laying down, legs akimbo with the machine hovering about me was to feel a bit caged in. Luckily the radiologist was lovely, the lady performing the test was lovely and the observing doctor asked my permission with a 'I really don't mind if you want me to leave' and was great because his questions meant I got a lot more information about what was going, why and what it meant. I have no problems with having the trainee in with (although one at a time is enough) and wish that more people were the same as they have to learn somehow and patient communication skills are just as important as the actual medical bit for me.



My hope is that in the future I can look back at these tests and smile, wonder what all the fuss was about and be grateful that I have my dream but for the time being they are still raw and unpleasant memories of something which to date, has had no positive result.



Afterwards was a miserable drive home in the rain, uncomfortable and grumpy but the results were good - nothing blocked so another tick against another box onthe journey onwards and upwards.

The new good news is that after an internal ultrasound scan yesterday (not as unpleasant as expected and my thanks to the consultant and nurse who were brilliant) I have been told to wait for a letter prescribing me with the fertility drug clomid - used to encourage ovulation so have regaining a little positivity in that this might be the push we need.

Diagnosis

Recalling the week that I first confessed to my GP that there was a problem is not an issue - i think the week will stay with me forever.



I had hosted a BBQ for my birthday weekend. Family and friends had come, it was informal and life was smiling at me. For one day I wanted to forget my troubles and just be me. But, and a big but, my brother in law and his wife annouced the pregnancy - I was deverstated and my day ruined. All I heard was have wonderful it was, they were open about how easy it has been for them and, as soon as was polite, I retreated to my bedroom and sobbed my heart out, this was the second couple we knew who has started trying for a baby and suceeded whereas we were bound for the doctors. Spending the following week with them and a lot more family on a foreign holiday turned what should have been a relaxingbreak to an ongoing nightmare from which there was no escape and brought me home even more stressed that I have started; so much for holidays being good for the process as they allow time for relaxation.



Sitting in the doctors surgery was weird, like all time had stopped and people were just floating past us but we did what we need to and the tests began, first with her, then gynae and then, after over 18 months the fertility clinic. Over the past year and a half I have been poked, prodded, stabbed, x-rayed and examined and all to no avail. No answers.



The frustration is imense and patience is required but I am trying to keep some faith that one day our dreams will come true.

Relations

with the relations and relationships my focus has almost always been fixated on my husband - a calm man who refuses to be ruffled and takes life quietly one stride at a time. The complete opposite to me impatient and headlong rush into achieving my goals.



Away from him I can admit that he must have the patience of a saint to deal with my mood swings, outbursts and uncomphrehensible behaviour but he has done it stoiclly. Living with me can be volitile and he doesn't always get it right but I can't imagine life without him, the seflish piece of me wants him to be with me forever, the other half of me depseratly wants him to fulfill his own dreams of a family and wants him to get that whether he was with me or not - I pray that I never have to make that choice.



Turning to the rest of my family - I have never been as close to my mum as my dad. I share my hobbies with my dad, my sense of humour with my dad but mum and aI are cut from the same cloth. It does end with personality clash and arguements as we do bring out the worst in each other but she can, when she remembers, be the most supportive person in the world and I do think that sometimes I am a bit too harsh on her. It is so easy when you are in the middle of a nightmare to remember that other people have issues going for them and even more hard to be not selfish about things. I am trying, I don't always suceed but I do try.

My friends are the strangest bunch - pulled from many places in my life and with all I have some form of connetion, some in common. Some understand me easier that others, some have more time for me and some use me as you might a punching bag but they are all there and all are important. I have found that this journey has made me a bit of a social leper, especially with friends who are pregnant or have babies as they have no comprehension of me and seem terrified of upsetting me - what is boils down to is that they cut me out becuase they don't know what else to do with me and never put themselves in a position to just ask me what I want.

I am hoping time with change this, we are nearly 2 and half years into this and have only just in the last couple of months really started confessing to people what has been going behind closed doors so I am expecting opportunities to arise so people can be more at ease around me - like everything all that is needed is time.

If I was to take my 'lesson learnt' from this element I would have to go with suggesting that support comes from many places and in many different forms - everyone is entitled to ask for help, to state that they can't cope and to have faith in the family and friends that they have. I continue to be lucky that mine have continued to pick me up off the floor and set me back on my path every time I have needed it.

How to Begin?

Well, it is hard one as I made the choice today to take back my life and along with it some control of my own destiny.



Some background:

I decided to come off my contraceptive pill in June 2008, just less than an year after I married the man of my dreams. Unfortunatly life decided to play a cruel hand as we are still here, jsut the 2 of us, dreaming big dreams but living the nightmare that is unexplained unfertility. I wanted to make a space to record this journey in the hope that it might help other people in the same boat to realise that they are not alone as I feel that I am most of the time.



The biggest thing I have struggled with is how people around me are, at first most people had no idea what was going on but the more neutrotic and emotional I get the harder it is for us to keep it a secret and, with the gift of hindsight, sometimes I do wish that we had 'fessed up earlier as most people have been nothing but supportive. The nightmare of this is that some people, usually the pregnant and those with babies, are uncomfortable around me as they have no comprehension of how I am feeling.



Which leads to the question - how am I feeling?

Most days I have no idea which is less than helpful but through my confusion I realise that to be jealous of something you don't have is not always a negative thing, it reminds me how much I want a family of my own. There are days that I wish I could talk more about what we are going through and other days when this is the last thing on my mind. I love being around other people and their children - it doesn't matter if it makes me cry afterwards I still cherish that time and the trust placed in me by parents when I can cuddle their sleeping babies and playing games with their older children.


My hope is that, over time, I can use this blog to through the various issues surrounding this journey as and when they come to me - allowing me to regain control and to remind people that they are never alone, no matter what the might be going through.




Tomorrow will be a hard day for me, another hospital appointment. I know they have to be done but it doesn't stop me from being terrified.