How to Begin?

Well, it is hard one as I made the choice today to take back my life and along with it some control of my own destiny.



Some background:

I decided to come off my contraceptive pill in June 2008, just less than an year after I married the man of my dreams. Unfortunatly life decided to play a cruel hand as we are still here, jsut the 2 of us, dreaming big dreams but living the nightmare that is unexplained unfertility. I wanted to make a space to record this journey in the hope that it might help other people in the same boat to realise that they are not alone as I feel that I am most of the time.



The biggest thing I have struggled with is how people around me are, at first most people had no idea what was going on but the more neutrotic and emotional I get the harder it is for us to keep it a secret and, with the gift of hindsight, sometimes I do wish that we had 'fessed up earlier as most people have been nothing but supportive. The nightmare of this is that some people, usually the pregnant and those with babies, are uncomfortable around me as they have no comprehension of how I am feeling.



Which leads to the question - how am I feeling?

Most days I have no idea which is less than helpful but through my confusion I realise that to be jealous of something you don't have is not always a negative thing, it reminds me how much I want a family of my own. There are days that I wish I could talk more about what we are going through and other days when this is the last thing on my mind. I love being around other people and their children - it doesn't matter if it makes me cry afterwards I still cherish that time and the trust placed in me by parents when I can cuddle their sleeping babies and playing games with their older children.


My hope is that, over time, I can use this blog to through the various issues surrounding this journey as and when they come to me - allowing me to regain control and to remind people that they are never alone, no matter what the might be going through.




Tomorrow will be a hard day for me, another hospital appointment. I know they have to be done but it doesn't stop me from being terrified.