The Fear

One thing that has struck me as I have traversed this path is how frightening everything can be maybe it is all down to a lack of undertsand and information of just that it is something that you don't get exposed to. I did know a couple who adopted becuase they couldn't have their own children but that is the limit of the information. It must be that either they didn't want to talk about it or no one was prepared to listen to them.

It seems then, infertility (especially when it is unexplained) is a bit of a taboo subject which leads me to wonder why? From my experience it is embarassing to admit it - feeling like a failure as a woman has been a key emotion that I regualary do battle with, add that to the pressure that everyone around you seems to be having families with breaking sweat so they have moved onwards meaning that you no longer seem as welcome in the group. You have less to contribute and because you have not been so lucky, your opinions don't count because you could never understand.

I suppose the one thing I can be grateful for is that I have no fear of the hospital or any of the clinics I have been round (GP, gynae, fertility, x-ray, etc) nor the staff there who to a man have been supportive, undertsanding and helpful. Key to this was the waiting room which is the same one for lots of departments - gynae, fertility and anti-natal being the key 3. When I fist attended the walls were plastered in material for the expectant family - birth options, labour wrd tours, anti- natal groups, I had never been so assulted with something that made me feel so awful in my life. But, after a good cry, I took matters into my own hands and wrote to the PCT to explain how the space made me feel and why - they were excellent and made departmental changes so that all couples in our shoes could have somewhere different to wait, somewhere with more neutral information on the walls, somewhere that meant less stress leading up to actually being seen. It gave me back some faith in the system as well as the people behind it.

My biggest fear is that I have let my husband down: that I have, in some way, failed him because it is my fault that we are in this position. He never says it and when I try and explain this is how I feel he always reassures me that he never feels like this and will always love me no matter what happens but my illogical brain refuses to accept this. I know that he woudl never leave me but in my darkest moments I wonder if I should leave him to live his dreams, even it that means he does this with some one else and I end up alone. I keep thinking better that that give up everything for me - I can't accept that he thinks I am worth it.

I suppose I am lucky in that without my husband or other key people in my life I would never have found the strength to ask for help, help from an external source with I have been lucky enough to get from a course of CBT, something I would recomend to anyone who finds life a struggle at times.