After my last session of CBT and a further referral for some 'proper' councilling I have been trying to remember some of the whys.
Why are we together?
To that end we deicded that a holiday was what we needed. Not a 'lets go somewhere exciting and see everything' type of holiday but moreof a find a corner and hide away from the world which we have just returned from. We found a campsite near the coast in Norfolk and planned to do nothing for a full 5 days and by nothing we meant nothing, no trips, no visits, no mobile phones - nothing. We did do some walking and in so saw some lovely things but nothing was done to time or a schedule and we made lots of choices at the last minute so no stress.
Has this helped? I think so as I have come back refreshed and relaxed, more able to deal with the world and what might be thrown at me plus it gave us the chance torediscover what we love about each other as well as talk through everything and look to the future no matter what might occur.
Friday, August 27, 2010
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Time
Isn't it amazing where time goes when you wish it away. Since we starting this journey time has been broken down into months and with that the waiting between which, while you are living it seems to take forever but once it is over and you sit down and think back time has been wished away and I have nothing to show for any of it.
I also look back and wonder why I avoiding doing things on the 'just in case we have been lucky' line. Not many things to be fair and not as often now as when we first set out and luckily things that aren't important enough to regret but there is always the chance that I could have. I think it is about time I lived my lift for what it is and not what it could be.
Looking at the time we have spent on this road and talking to friends who reminds me that it is not as long as it seems, not as long as others have managed and think about how I praise their strength and fortitude.
Today is a brighter day as I have got the medication I was offered - I need to practise my patience until I can start taking it and remember that it needs time to work.
Today I want to take a moment to remember a friend who is currenty under going IVF for the thris time. I pray that it is sucessful as a nicest couple you would struggle to meet and they would make the best of parents.
I remind myself that 'all good things come to those who wait' and those that wait often appreciate them more.
I also look back and wonder why I avoiding doing things on the 'just in case we have been lucky' line. Not many things to be fair and not as often now as when we first set out and luckily things that aren't important enough to regret but there is always the chance that I could have. I think it is about time I lived my lift for what it is and not what it could be.
Looking at the time we have spent on this road and talking to friends who reminds me that it is not as long as it seems, not as long as others have managed and think about how I praise their strength and fortitude.
Today is a brighter day as I have got the medication I was offered - I need to practise my patience until I can start taking it and remember that it needs time to work.
Today I want to take a moment to remember a friend who is currenty under going IVF for the thris time. I pray that it is sucessful as a nicest couple you would struggle to meet and they would make the best of parents.
I remind myself that 'all good things come to those who wait' and those that wait often appreciate them more.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Frustration
Why does it occassionally feel like the universe is out to get you? Like there is some greater power which is saying this is not for you?
So, I got excited, I thought my problem (lack of ovulation) had been identified and a potential fix in the form of medication decided upon. All I need to do is get my hands on the prescription and I can regain some hope that one day our dream of a family might come true. Which means a trip to the GP clutching a letter from the fertility clinic which clearly instructions her to prescribe me, blood test me and hope for the best.
After waiting what seemed like an age for the only appointment I could get which was 20 minutes late I was deverstated when she refused without more clarity from the consultant based on my weight as it occured on her system, a weight, which I might add, it months out of date as the clinic have weighed me a few times since. What it means in the grand scheme of things is another 5 weeks before I can start it, which is not all that much but this is not what it means to me.
To me it means another failed cycle, another 5 weeks where I have to know that I am a failure, that I have another wasted 5 weeks, another crushing blow at the end of it, another 5 weeks of people asking me if things are moving on, another 5 weeks where there is no end to my nightmare as it is just too far away having been torn from my grasp at the very last moment. I am crushed and it gets harder and harder to drag myself back and pick myself up after every occasion that it happens. It feels like no one cares how hard this is for me, no one cares if this has to wait for years to be resolved and that I am just not important enough or good enough to have a child.
I have reached the stage that so few people care, I want to give up. I can no longer see that the outcome is worth the pain.
So, I got excited, I thought my problem (lack of ovulation) had been identified and a potential fix in the form of medication decided upon. All I need to do is get my hands on the prescription and I can regain some hope that one day our dream of a family might come true. Which means a trip to the GP clutching a letter from the fertility clinic which clearly instructions her to prescribe me, blood test me and hope for the best.
After waiting what seemed like an age for the only appointment I could get which was 20 minutes late I was deverstated when she refused without more clarity from the consultant based on my weight as it occured on her system, a weight, which I might add, it months out of date as the clinic have weighed me a few times since. What it means in the grand scheme of things is another 5 weeks before I can start it, which is not all that much but this is not what it means to me.
To me it means another failed cycle, another 5 weeks where I have to know that I am a failure, that I have another wasted 5 weeks, another crushing blow at the end of it, another 5 weeks of people asking me if things are moving on, another 5 weeks where there is no end to my nightmare as it is just too far away having been torn from my grasp at the very last moment. I am crushed and it gets harder and harder to drag myself back and pick myself up after every occasion that it happens. It feels like no one cares how hard this is for me, no one cares if this has to wait for years to be resolved and that I am just not important enough or good enough to have a child.
I have reached the stage that so few people care, I want to give up. I can no longer see that the outcome is worth the pain.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Depression
I finally decided it was time to take a moment to admit to myself:-
I have depression.
It is an illness, not something to be embarressed about but something that I suffer from and I need to take steps to get better.
This last weekend has been a nightmare for me, I have been angry, irratable, frustrated and, for the most part, in tears. A lot of my frustration has been thrown towards my husband, mainly because he is the person closest to me which my logical self says is not reasonable or acceptable but for some reason I do it anyway.
I wanted to take a moment to list why I feel like I do but when it came down to it I couldn't work it out nor could I work out what I want anyone to do or say to me - at the moment there are no answers, or at least, there are no answers that I can come to and when the question is always 'what do you want me to say/do'? I can't answer it so why do I expect the people around me to do so.
I do feel guilty a lot of the time, guilty that I have let down the people nearest to me, guilty that I could do better and guilty that life shouldn't be like this. It doesn't matter how many times people tell me it is not my fault there is no one else to blame. When letters get lost or appointments take time or I come accross someone unhelpful I feel like the universe is conspiring against me which just makes me want to give up despite knowing what the end result might be, I question whether it is worth the nightmare.
I have depression.
It is an illness, not something to be embarressed about but something that I suffer from and I need to take steps to get better.
This last weekend has been a nightmare for me, I have been angry, irratable, frustrated and, for the most part, in tears. A lot of my frustration has been thrown towards my husband, mainly because he is the person closest to me which my logical self says is not reasonable or acceptable but for some reason I do it anyway.
I wanted to take a moment to list why I feel like I do but when it came down to it I couldn't work it out nor could I work out what I want anyone to do or say to me - at the moment there are no answers, or at least, there are no answers that I can come to and when the question is always 'what do you want me to say/do'? I can't answer it so why do I expect the people around me to do so.
I do feel guilty a lot of the time, guilty that I have let down the people nearest to me, guilty that I could do better and guilty that life shouldn't be like this. It doesn't matter how many times people tell me it is not my fault there is no one else to blame. When letters get lost or appointments take time or I come accross someone unhelpful I feel like the universe is conspiring against me which just makes me want to give up despite knowing what the end result might be, I question whether it is worth the nightmare.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Empathy
So, when people use the word empathy or the phrase 'I can empathise' what is it they actual mean?
This was said of us and our situation lately and to be honest, got me quite cross. In my eyes unless you have walked a mile in our shoes you have no idea what our situation entails, what we are going through and how we are feeling so to use this word is totally unacceptable. For me 'empathy' involves understanding and knowledge both of which can only be gained by actually speaking to us, something this person has yet to make the effort to do.
I guess people use this when they don't want to use the word 'sympathy' as this has the connotation that they feel sorry for you so again, maybe not really the right word or phrasing but better in this context as it does not imply understanding.
So the next question is 'I am over reacting' in a typical me kind of way? The answer is almost definatly 'probably' but it doesn't change anything.
This was said of us and our situation lately and to be honest, got me quite cross. In my eyes unless you have walked a mile in our shoes you have no idea what our situation entails, what we are going through and how we are feeling so to use this word is totally unacceptable. For me 'empathy' involves understanding and knowledge both of which can only be gained by actually speaking to us, something this person has yet to make the effort to do.
I guess people use this when they don't want to use the word 'sympathy' as this has the connotation that they feel sorry for you so again, maybe not really the right word or phrasing but better in this context as it does not imply understanding.
So the next question is 'I am over reacting' in a typical me kind of way? The answer is almost definatly 'probably' but it doesn't change anything.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Patience
or my case, the lack of it.
What has struck me since we first went to our GP and said we were struggling to concieve has been the difference in how we have been handled by the NHS in its different guises.
First of our GP, once we managed to see her, was excellent. She treat us like we were human beings and took care of our feelings unlike the surgery staff surrounding her who were nosey, inefficient and often rude. I dislike reception staff asking me why I need an appointment and I even more so reception staff telling me over the phone that my blood results are 'fine' - being not of a medical background this was not helpful.
We were then referred to gynaecology at the local hospital and we founf them . . . distant, there is no other word as they had no concern for our aim to concieve and rushed through the intital appointment without explaining to much and then sending us down the road of tests which lastest for months. It seems that once you have been seen once there is no rush and I was originally asked to wait from Janaury 12, the date of my last blood test, to mid July before I could get the results. Needless to say I was less than impressed and, after many phone calls, was able to secure an appointment in April. At this appointment we were told next to nothing except that a further referral to the fertility clinic was the next step - my lack of patience failed to see why we needed the appointment when a letter to confirm the referral could have been done in January thus saving us 4 months.
From this point we waited until the end of the month before we were seen at the feritltiy clinic, a wait I was most impressed with. That began another round of tests including the HSG, bloods and the last one was an internal ultra sound. The difference we have noticed between gynae and fertility has been immense - sunddenly we are important, suddenly the nursing staff are no longer processing us like puddings on a conveyor belt and they have time to explain what they are doing, looking for and why plus what is all means to us. These tests have taken time, more time than has been easy for me to cope with but when they have to be done within set time boundaries there is nothing to do except learn patience.
We have now been referred back to the GP for ovualtion medication but the referral is 'lost' meaning I am at the mercy of the kindness of other people as to finding and processing it in time for me to use if for my next cycle - if I have to wait another 5 weeks before I can start taking it I will have no choice but to learn patience.
What has struck me since we first went to our GP and said we were struggling to concieve has been the difference in how we have been handled by the NHS in its different guises.
First of our GP, once we managed to see her, was excellent. She treat us like we were human beings and took care of our feelings unlike the surgery staff surrounding her who were nosey, inefficient and often rude. I dislike reception staff asking me why I need an appointment and I even more so reception staff telling me over the phone that my blood results are 'fine' - being not of a medical background this was not helpful.
We were then referred to gynaecology at the local hospital and we founf them . . . distant, there is no other word as they had no concern for our aim to concieve and rushed through the intital appointment without explaining to much and then sending us down the road of tests which lastest for months. It seems that once you have been seen once there is no rush and I was originally asked to wait from Janaury 12, the date of my last blood test, to mid July before I could get the results. Needless to say I was less than impressed and, after many phone calls, was able to secure an appointment in April. At this appointment we were told next to nothing except that a further referral to the fertility clinic was the next step - my lack of patience failed to see why we needed the appointment when a letter to confirm the referral could have been done in January thus saving us 4 months.
From this point we waited until the end of the month before we were seen at the feritltiy clinic, a wait I was most impressed with. That began another round of tests including the HSG, bloods and the last one was an internal ultra sound. The difference we have noticed between gynae and fertility has been immense - sunddenly we are important, suddenly the nursing staff are no longer processing us like puddings on a conveyor belt and they have time to explain what they are doing, looking for and why plus what is all means to us. These tests have taken time, more time than has been easy for me to cope with but when they have to be done within set time boundaries there is nothing to do except learn patience.
We have now been referred back to the GP for ovualtion medication but the referral is 'lost' meaning I am at the mercy of the kindness of other people as to finding and processing it in time for me to use if for my next cycle - if I have to wait another 5 weeks before I can start taking it I will have no choice but to learn patience.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Comfort
The thought that has taken my mind today is that of food and how I eat. The stresses and strains of the last 2 plus years have brought home to me more and more how much I rely on food as a comforter - a chocolate bar becuase I am having a bad day, a take away because I am down in the dumps and can't be bothered to cook or biscuits because they give me the sugar rush that, momentarily, lifes my spirits a little bit.
I am sure I am not alone in these habits and the more I look back into them, the more I can see that I have always done this and could be the answer to the question ' why I am not a size 10'. So the challenge was to try and break the cycle and for 6 months I thought I had managed it. My diet was better, I lost nearly 2 stone and felt miles better but then something occured which smashed me back down and to this day I have no really restarted my healhier eating habits properly again.
By the way, all this is written as I try and stop myself from eating the seond half of a pack of giner biscuits I bought earlier. I know I am not hungry, I did eat my lunch but it is almost as if I can't stop myself.
So I wonder, on top of comfort eating, do I reward myself with food? So, if I can survive the next 10 minutes then I can have another bicsuit to see me through the 10 minutes after that? There is not rational explanation for it nor can I justify it, it is just something that is.
I am sure I am not alone in these habits and the more I look back into them, the more I can see that I have always done this and could be the answer to the question ' why I am not a size 10'. So the challenge was to try and break the cycle and for 6 months I thought I had managed it. My diet was better, I lost nearly 2 stone and felt miles better but then something occured which smashed me back down and to this day I have no really restarted my healhier eating habits properly again.
By the way, all this is written as I try and stop myself from eating the seond half of a pack of giner biscuits I bought earlier. I know I am not hungry, I did eat my lunch but it is almost as if I can't stop myself.
So I wonder, on top of comfort eating, do I reward myself with food? So, if I can survive the next 10 minutes then I can have another bicsuit to see me through the 10 minutes after that? There is not rational explanation for it nor can I justify it, it is just something that is.
Monday, August 2, 2010
The Little Things
Why is it that the little things are the ones that get you the most? I spent a lovely afternoon with my husband's family (of all ages) and in the midst of relaxing decided to quickly check my emails - in hindsight I wish I hadn't bothered.
Being on the mail list for hubby's events is useful as it means I have an idea of what is going on, when and where. But when the mailing list is sent a note that starts 'Mums and Mums to be' it was like someone has stabbed me in the heart. It was an email that should or rather could have been sent to the half dozen people it applied to but instead we all got it and it left me cold, angry and again being reminded of what I am fighting so hard for and struggling whilst others achieve without so much as breaking sweat.
I am getting better (or maybe more practised) at picking myself up but a little bit of me doesn't want to be knocked down in the first place and I do know that people don't do it on purpose however the lack of thought frustrates me. Based on this I am remindered that infertility (especially when unexplained) is not something we discuss and, short of being exposed to it, people don't often realise that is there and affects so many people. My hope is that, in the future, whether we are lucky or not I remember how sensitive this situation has made me and hope it allows me to transfer that to other who might one day have to face the same challenges.
Being on the mail list for hubby's events is useful as it means I have an idea of what is going on, when and where. But when the mailing list is sent a note that starts 'Mums and Mums to be' it was like someone has stabbed me in the heart. It was an email that should or rather could have been sent to the half dozen people it applied to but instead we all got it and it left me cold, angry and again being reminded of what I am fighting so hard for and struggling whilst others achieve without so much as breaking sweat.
I am getting better (or maybe more practised) at picking myself up but a little bit of me doesn't want to be knocked down in the first place and I do know that people don't do it on purpose however the lack of thought frustrates me. Based on this I am remindered that infertility (especially when unexplained) is not something we discuss and, short of being exposed to it, people don't often realise that is there and affects so many people. My hope is that, in the future, whether we are lucky or not I remember how sensitive this situation has made me and hope it allows me to transfer that to other who might one day have to face the same challenges.
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