Frustration

Why does it occassionally feel like the universe is out to get you? Like there is some greater power which is saying this is not for you?

So, I got excited, I thought my problem (lack of ovulation) had been identified and a potential fix in the form of medication decided upon. All I need to do is get my hands on the prescription and I can regain some hope that one day our dream of a family might come true. Which means a trip to the GP clutching a letter from the fertility clinic which clearly instructions her to prescribe me, blood test me and hope for the best.

After waiting what seemed like an age for the only appointment I could get which was 20 minutes late I was deverstated when she refused without more clarity from the consultant based on my weight as it occured on her system, a weight, which I might add, it months out of date as the clinic have weighed me a few times since. What it means in the grand scheme of things is another 5 weeks before I can start it, which is not all that much but this is not what it means to me.

To me it means another failed cycle, another 5 weeks where I have to know that I am a failure, that I have another wasted 5 weeks, another crushing blow at the end of it, another 5 weeks of people asking me if things are moving on, another 5 weeks where there is no end to my nightmare as it is just too far away having been torn from my grasp at the very last moment. I am crushed and it gets harder and harder to drag myself back and pick myself up after every occasion that it happens. It feels like no one cares how hard this is for me, no one cares if this has to wait for years to be resolved and that I am just not important enough or good enough to have a child.

I have reached the stage that so few people care, I want to give up. I can no longer see that the outcome is worth the pain.