Grandad

Today, and I should have done this 2 days ago, I want to reflect on the life of the oldest man I have know - my Grandad, who turned 95 years old on Monday 28 February 2011.

He has always been a part of my life, the second husband of the Grandma I adore and looking back he never seemed to change. That is until he retired from cricket umpiring and his health started to degrade.

The last time I visited him, we went to the care home in which he has been since November and met him in the lounge after breakfast. My first thought was that he looked sad. Old, tired and sad and this wasn't something I was expecting. Until recently he has been adamant that he wants to go home, to be cared for at home despite the fact that this was not possible. Now he seems to have accepted that he can't go home, that he needs the constant care that the home can offer him and that we had no intention of putting him in there and forgetting about him. I have to confess that I am not a frequent visitor - the 90 miles just to get there is a bit too far to do every week but my mum and sister have rallied and visit as much as they can often taking Grandma who has also a wide network of friends who visit and help where they can.

One of the things I struggle most with is remember the viabrant and active man when looking at the frail, tired and ill man who could barely remember anything and for whom life holds no joy.

I look into my uncertain future and see a haze but through that haze I hope that become old is a joyous experience and I hope that I don't have to suffer in my old age but live it in dignity and with quality.

AAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH

Another blog post that I have started with no clear indication of which way it is going to go as all I want to do this morning is rant and rave and scream.

I want to rant about work, which is stressing me out completly and I want to rant about the unfairness of life as another 2 collegues are pregnant and I am still posioning myself with drugs that do nothing but make me feel crappy and have to go for tests all the time which are always inconclusive. I want to scream at the heavans and ask why the hell have I been chosen for this crap even after all the other crap I have dealt with. Who did I offend? What did I do wrong? Was I someone really terrible in a previous life? My frustration seems to be getting more and more and it only makes me angry which ends in nothing but tears.

I want to scream at all the people who come to me with their problems and issues - the demand I fix everything for them when I want to do is fix myself and I can't. I want the clinic to take me seriously and not forget me in a pile of other 'things to do', I want them to remember that I am a human being and that this is important to me even if I am just another number to them. I am fed up with managing everyone expections when I can't even manage my own.

I seem to spend so much time 'putting on a brave face' and smiling through things, trying to be upbeat and chirpy when inside I am screaming in anger and all I want is to sob my heart out and let people see, recognise and accept my pain. It is so hard to answer the age old question 'are you alright' with a 'no' even when you really want to. How much of all this is my medication talking? I have no idea, maybe a lot more than I give credit for but it doesn't change anything.

I suppose at the end of it all I just want someone to care enough to fix it all.

A record

Today I want to talk about my need to record things and the fact that I do this in a number of different places and formats.

The first place I record things is here - this is limited to text really and I am happy with that. My purpose for keeping this blog has not changed since I started it. I wanted to share my experiences with people allowing those close to me to understand how I am feeling and why and also to give them the chance to offer me the support that I am not often capable of asking for but also those who don't know me so well to realise that they are not alone in their circumstances and emotions and that there are people out there that do understand (even if not completely).

I also have a diary that I use on a semi regular basis but I tend to only write in this when I am feeling really low so it can be really upsetting to go back and re-read it.

All that in mind I have recently decided that I wanted to keep a scrap book to document the events of this year. With things looking very low at the moment my hope is that I can use this book to show that there are good things that are worth recording, worth look back on and worth remembering. I have started my book with a couple of pages of photos from last year - the good ones, the ones that remind me that there were moments when life did not seem so pointless or dark, there were moments that I enjoyed living.

I know that there might be some negative things recorded in this book, one on my next pages is going to be a mood board type of thing so I can record the emotions I am struggling with in the hope that in the future I can look back and be proud that I have moved on and become a happier person although I do think I might be setting myself up to fail. Maybe I should wish myself the ability to enjoy the good things without allowing the bad to overshadow everything.

A letter to old friends

Dear Old Friends

It would seem that we have no really seen much of each other of late and I think I should be grown up enough to take some of the blame for that. As a friend I know I have become hard work and many people find me uncomfortable to be around because my recent experiences have had a profound impact on the person that I am and the support I need. As such I am not angry or upset that we have lost touch any more.

At the time, when I first needed so much of the people around me, I was angry that you weren't prepared to spend the extra time and effort to support me but I have accepted that most people don't know how and some people don't have time and I am constantly reminded that I have the friends around me that do have time and will make the effort for me.

Hoping that your lives are much fulfilled,
Victoria

A Letter to me?

I wanted to write a letter to my future, to the person I want to be in an years time, in 5 years time, 20 years time and then I realised that, through no fault of my own, I might not be able to be the person I would like to be, I might have to settle for something different. I don't want to say something less as that sounds like there could be no joy or fulfilment for my my life if it takes a different path.


I want to be able to say to myself that in the future I will be able to look back at everything that I have dealt with was all the for the greater good and things came right in the end, that I was never a failure, it just took me a while to achieve. The problem is that right now, I can't see the future with any any clarity and some days I struggle to find any hope that the future might turn out the way I would like. I have to wonder what life will be like either way - the short answer is that I have no idea. And that scares me.

This weekend I had another minor row with my husband - I say minor as it was over nothing, I just was so angry and frustrated that I need to vent out somehow and he, as often before, was the nearest target. I am lucky that he is able to realise where my anger comes from and that it is often directed at him because I don't know where else to send it. I want to ask my future self if I have stopped having these irraitional out bursts as there is nothing to gain from them, I hope that I can look back and see how much I have managed to improve my temper and my emotional control.

I want to know that my future self has been able to manage the loss, the grief and the pain that I am carrying with me at the moment - I want to know that it will all work out for the best and that I am happy and content.

A Letter to the EPU

To whom it may concern,

My only contact with you has been as a result of my miscarriage and I would like to point out a number of my observances from the the treatment that I received from you.

I would like to remind you that, whilst you deal with instances like mine on a daily basis I don't and what I really needed was some human compassion and understanding. I would like to remind you of the missive 'deal with others as you would wish to be dealt with'. I was made to feel like I was an inconvenience to you, I didn't have appointments which meant someone had to make time to see me but I was devastated and I wanted clear information and reassurance - what I received I had to ask for and this is incredibly hard when you have no idea what to ask. I remember that by the time I was seen with all my test results I have been in your department for 7 hours and all I wanted was to go home but being forgotton for over 2 hours because your handover was inaccurate was not the information I required. It made me feel unimportant and a nusiance. It made me feel like I shouldn't be wasting your time.

My experience in your waiting room was a long one and it was punctuated by a number of other couples including one whom were excitied by their unexpected pregancy and were basking in this dispite me sat sobbing in the corner. I find it cruel to place couples like that in with couples suffering as we were, surely there could have been somewhere else for one of us to have been asked to wait? Again, I am asking for some human compassion to be shown, something I feel your unit lacked.

I have to make comparisons to the fertility clinic that I attend where the staff handle me with care and consideration - they are aware that their waiting room is not the kindest as it is shared with ante-natal and gyneacology and the material is always focused on ante-natal patients but I have the choice to wait elsewhere if I wish. I do feel like you could learn a lot from them.

It was staff from this clinic who performed the ultra sound scan and confirm the worst, the doctor and nurse here were kind, were understanding of my distress and we willing to take the time to make sure I understood but I was with them for less that 30 minutes of my long day and so it is the negative I have focused upon.

Yours, in the hope that in the future you are kinder to other women who are unfortunate enough to be in your care for sad circumstances,
Victoria

A letter to my online friends

To those friends whom I may never have met in person


I have realised of late that I have a number of friends whom I have never met, whom exist as user names on forums and places like face book. But these are people who I respect and whose opinions I value. It does make me smile when I think of the detail forums get to but I have found that using various forums have been a great comfort to me as I know that I am not alone. While there has never been (and probably never will be) someone in the same shoes as me there are plenty in similar and I take comfort in the fact that often things work out for the best.

I have often found the support that you have offered has been invaluable and have found that, from these avenues I have been offered real opinions and advice - often missing when talking to people in real life due to the fear of causing upset or offense. It was to discussion forums and groups that I have been able to turn in my loneliest moments and for that I have to be grateful that they exist and I hope that, in turn, one day I can reciprocate and provide someone else with the support and honesty I have been lucky enough to recieve.


As a parting wish I hope that you all overcome the hurdles that life has put in your way, that you succeed in your endeavours and that all your dreams come.


yours, with respect,

Victoria, vicfish or whatever username you might know me by.

A letter to Mum

Dear Mum,

I guess being a mum can be a thankless task, I was a snotty child, an angry teen and when I moved away I was terrible at contacting home. But know I realise how much I really do need you. It seems that only as an adult have I realised the lengths you went to in order to make my childhood a good one and it occurs to me that I have never really said thank you. I should have been the happiest child in the world - I was always clean, fed and well dressed and, more importantly, I was loved and I knew it.

In the past I would never have described us as close, I was a Daddy's girl. It was with him I shared my hobbies and friends and interests and it was you that was often let out and for that I do feel some guilt. I wish we had spent more time enjoying each others company and less time butting heads over things that I now realise were trivial. I remember the last time we had a proper falling out - I was rude and you caught me! I had run because I wasn't daft but stopped because I was and I deserved the slap I got. I remember hoping that we would never come to that point ever again.

I also remember when you sat on my sofa and told me you had breast cancer, it was a moment of clarity - I realised that one day I would loose you. I have no doubt that the breast cancer would beat you but realised that one day, many moons from today I would have no choice but to manage without you and that didn't hit home until the day I rang you, sobbing my heart out, from the car because the doctor had told me I was depressed. You got straight in the car and came to me, one of the numerous times you have done this, always when I was most in need. Again, I don't think I have said thank you enough for these actions and I should.

We went shopping before Christmas and it was a great day - very relaxed and something I can't wait to do again. It brings to my attention that, because I do live a way away from you, that we can't do this all the time and so the time that we have we need to treasure: something I plan to do from now onwards.

I think my one wish for the future is that I can be half as good a mum as you are. I think that if I can manage that they you have taught me well and I will have done you proud.

All my love and my thanks
Victoria

A series of Letters

I have decided to write a short series of letters to the people in my life who have done so much for, about our pasts, our presents and our futures and what they mean to me.

In this I hope to achieve the ability to communicate some things that maybe I don't say often enough.

A letter to my real life friends

To my dearest friends,


I feel that I have to say thank you each and everyone of you who has protected me when I was vulnerable, hugged me when I was sad, laughed with me in the good times and picked me back up when I was on the floor. Sometimes I think I just don't deserve the friends I have and other times I have to remind myself to be very grateful to every single one of you.

I think back on the things that you have done for me - the big things, the little things and the things that seem so very insignificant at the time but can be the more important. I also wonder if sometimes I miss the things that are done for me in the general rush that is living life.

It is amazing to look at my friends and realise how long I have known some of you, some for more years than you care to remember and some not for so long but all as valued. I think it would take far to long to go into the details of everyone in one short letter so my final act will be to say thank you, from the depths of my being and to wish that our friendships will continue for many long years to come,


in gratitude
Victoria