Another blog post that I have started with no clear indication of which way it is going to go as all I want to do this morning is rant and rave and scream.
I want to rant about work, which is stressing me out completly and I want to rant about the unfairness of life as another 2 collegues are pregnant and I am still posioning myself with drugs that do nothing but make me feel crappy and have to go for tests all the time which are always inconclusive. I want to scream at the heavans and ask why the hell have I been chosen for this crap even after all the other crap I have dealt with. Who did I offend? What did I do wrong? Was I someone really terrible in a previous life? My frustration seems to be getting more and more and it only makes me angry which ends in nothing but tears.
I want to scream at all the people who come to me with their problems and issues - the demand I fix everything for them when I want to do is fix myself and I can't. I want the clinic to take me seriously and not forget me in a pile of other 'things to do', I want them to remember that I am a human being and that this is important to me even if I am just another number to them. I am fed up with managing everyone expections when I can't even manage my own.
I seem to spend so much time 'putting on a brave face' and smiling through things, trying to be upbeat and chirpy when inside I am screaming in anger and all I want is to sob my heart out and let people see, recognise and accept my pain. It is so hard to answer the age old question 'are you alright' with a 'no' even when you really want to. How much of all this is my medication talking? I have no idea, maybe a lot more than I give credit for but it doesn't change anything.
I suppose at the end of it all I just want someone to care enough to fix it all.
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