Why don't I want to go . . . .

when I know it will be good for me?

So, today I have my first counselling appointment. It was short notice as there was a cancellation so I will have only known about it for 48 hours by the time I get there and, with 4 and a half hours to go I am terrified of going. I have so little information to arm myself with - I don't know how long the session will last, what the councillor will ask or expect of me and, above all, I don't want to spend the session crying.

I am so tired of crying. It seems over the last 3 weeks all I have done is cry, or spend time stopping myself from bursting into tears at the silliest of little things for example we went to see a fireworks show and, surrounded by families, the only thing I could think was how we should have had our own little one to show the fireworks next year but that dream was no longer an option. I am dreading Christmas because instead of being 14ish weeks pregnant and happily showing people a lovely healthily scan photo I am going to be sat surrounded by nieces and nephews knowing that I am not going to have a baby to share next Christmas with. All my dreams have been dashed and I can no longer find the joy in gatherings which should have been wonderful.

I know that turning into a hermit is the least painful option but the option that I can least afford to take, I can't hide away from life and the people in my life because it reminds me of what I have lost but it is so tempting to do.

One of the things I know that I will have to work on is my reactions to people. Last night Andrew and I were talking and he basically told me that I am 'short' with people and far too opinionated which did nothing for my confidence levels but, if he is right, then it is something I should change but how can you change something you don't know you are doing? Our relationship has gone through some tough times and we have come out stronger but this, after everything he said to me yesterday, might be something we can't survive. He still refuses to talk about how he feels, he never emotes, yes he is a man but how can you deal with something together when one half of the partnership appears to have nothing to deal with? He has been so fast to point out of all my flaws and faults that I can't even see why he wants to be with me.

The last time I hit what I thought was rock bottom I left Andrew, deciding it was better for me to be alone as not to inflict myself on someone else but he persuded me to stay, made me believe that things could only get better. At the moment I can't see why I stayed as the appears to be no bottom, things aren't better, they are worse and I just keep going down.