Yesterday I had such as positive day. The blood taking was not pleasant but it never is and I have started trying to look forwards. Today I feel like yesterday never happened as I seem to have crashed backwards and back into the black hole. My results were going the right way but not quickly enough, I have no idea what difference this makes but it is enough that the tests need to be repeated and there does seem to be some concern.
Today I am feeling sad again, sad that I will never meet the life that started within me, sad that my body had to fail me when I thought all everything was going so well, sad that I am back to square one which might even turn into square minus 1 if my body can't resolve what has happened to it. I just want to be normal - I wish we had been one of the lucky couples who had decided they wanted a family and presto - done. No waiting, no tests, no uncertainties, no grief.
I am still feeling like a social leper. No one seems to know what to say to me and this frustrates me beyond belief because it is not in my nature to know that someone is in pain and say and do nothing - the least I would do is offer comfort. My rational brain tells me that people don't understand and don't want to upset but NEWS FLASH I am already upset, nothing they can say can make it any worse. Even the most hurtful comments are made by well meaning people who are just trying to help and I am grateful that they cared enough to make the effort.
I am going to crawl back in my box now and hope.
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