When the Dust Settles

So, what happens when the dust settles? When you finally come out of the black cloud and remember to start looking forwards again.

It as taken time for this to happen and, while I am not 'over it' by any stretch of the imagination I am at least coming to terms with the position we find ourselves in. it is difficult to quantify things - how do I feel? what do I want to do? At the moment the question of what do I want to eat is beyond me so there is no chance I will be able to say what I want but the day when I am ready to do that is no longer one that I can not see.

I do find it very difficult when people say to me 'at least you know that you can get pregnant', it is hurtful - as if the loss of this baby justifies knowing this as well as the time scale it has taken to get here. I don't want to wait for another 2 and 1/2 years, I want what I can't have, what has been lost. There are also no guarentees that the medication will work again, if I even allowed to continue taking it - I can see the next few weeks being very stressful as we wait for the appointment where the decision will hopefully be made.

I do want to take time to have a moment of thought and prayer for Lily Allen, I can't comprehend the pain she and her partner are in at the moment, to lose a baby at 6 weeks is devastating but to lose a baby at 6 months must be something else entirely.

So, the next question I have asked a lot over the last 2 weeks - is it ok for me to be angry? If it is, and it has to be, who I am entitled to be angry with? For me anger has to be directed somewhere - at myself, Andrew, friends, family, medical staff, random people who I am jealous of because they have what desperatly want. I keep going back to the question: why can teenagers/ drug addicts/ alcoholics/ spongers/ scroungers have a baby when I am still here without one? I work hard, try to be a good person, have a nice home, stable job, wonderful man yet still I feel as if I am being punished.

The dust has started to settle but I can't imagine it staying that way for long enough.