Dear Andrew,

Do you remember when we met? When life was all smiles and plans for the future. Can you even remember what attracted you to me back then? I remember clearly sitting in the bar in Oustend and you were smiling - you were always so happy back then. Always ready with a smile and a positive outlook and it made you beautiful in my eyes.

Do you remember when we got engaged? How we laughed and cried with joy? how we planned the future? When would be living together in our own home, how beautiful our wedding would be and how happy we would be to declare our love for the world to see with our family and friends beside us?

Do you remember our wedding day? How you looked at me as I met you at the alter in church after I had banned you from turning round to look at me because I didn't want to cry. Standing there next to you felt amazing, I was marrying the man of my dreams, the man who made me so very happy and the man with whom I had so many plans. We laughed, danced and thought the world was ours for the taking.

And look at you now. Your smile is too often absent and we both spend far too much time angry or upset. I spend to much of our time together crying. When we decided we wanted a family of our own I never expected the problems we have faced, I never expected it would be us as the unlucky struggling couple who were an object of pity. When we decided we wanted a family of our own it seemed to be so easy to achieve. And it wasn't.

I remember the disappointment felt when we had to go to the doctors and ask for help. I remember feeling like a failure and you assured me I wasn't. I remember telling you to leave me and find someone else, someone who could make your dreams come true and you told me that I was your dream and all others could be changed. You have sat by me for so many appointments and tests, you have held my hand, passed me a tissue when I needed one and bore the brunt of all my anger and frustration.

Do you remember the light in your eyes when I told you my test result was positive? It was like the hardships and the pain were forgotten and it was our turn for something truly miraculous - something I thought would never happen to us. Everything looked so bright. But then it wasn't to be. We had joked in the car to the hospital about the doctor over reacting and how relieved we would be once everything was confirmed and ok. But not 12 hours later our lives would crash even lower than they had ever been before. I remember that I couldn't look you in the face when I wept for our baby as I knew that I had let you down again and that the perfect life you deserve was going further and further out of your reach.

This last month has been so hard, just getting out of bed has been difficult but knowing you are there beside me, despite everything, means that I know I am not alone. You must love me or you would have left a long time ago.

So the question remains - what next? What else can life throw at us? Challenge us with? I can't see anything being as hard as the last 2 years have been. Short of being without you, I can't see how life could get any worse. Right now, all I want, is to see you smile again as if you hadn't got a care in the world.

With all my love
Victoria