Christmas

Over the last few days I have been reminded how lucky I am with my friends and family. Again we are offered love and support by people when it is least expected but most needed.

Christmas was dfficult as it was a mile stone I had to reach and, in my thoughts, survive but thanks to my mother in law whose compassion and understanding never fails to astound me I was fine, I enjoyed being in company and spending time with Andrew's family. I realise that I have still have my limits and I have enjoyed spending time with me, doing what I want to do when I want to do it and relaxing. I have enjoyed spending time with the people I choose to and being allowed to talk when I want and listen when it is needed.

I want to take a moment to think of a good friend who is struggling with breast cancer. Having seen my Mum and Grandma go through a similar battle I really wish her all the best and I hope her fight becomes easier as I would never wish her suffering and illness on anyone.

My wish is that the New Year brings better things for all those out there suffering in what ever form.

Milestones

I know that practically I had put in my mind a lot of milestones that will no longer happen: a 12 week scan, telling people our good news, a 20 week scan, shopping trips, decorating the spare room and, eventually, a due date. This week would have been the first of these milestones and it reminds me of where I am and where I been to get here.

I know that reaching these milestones will be emotional times I am just not sure what emotions to expect. At the moment I am still feeling a profound loose and the sadness that goes with it, I am also very angry that after everything we have had to suffer we have to go through this as well.

The other emotion I have is one of hope. We managed the first hurdle, fell at the second fine but we cleared the first (even with a leg up of medication) which has be a positive thing and something that we can cling to when the sadness and the anger gets to be too much.

I really want to be more positive, I feel that I owe it to the people who have been there for me, listened to me and supported me and hopefully in time I will get there for me as well as for them. I am starting to believe it when they say that time is the greatest healer so my next request is: can time move more quickly please?

Over-reacting

After Sunday's mammoth over reaction I have spent some time thinking about when a reaction is to much and why I sometimes over react to the situations I am confronted with. As with Sunday it was the littlest of things - a mucky kitchen floor which was a base on which to build full bins, DVDs left out, crumbs on the coffee table, nothing out for tea and so on until all these little things took on a life of their very own and my brain could not deal with any of them.

Talking over what happened I have seen that I used the situation to vent anger that I have been sat on that had absolutely nothing to do with the actual situation I was in. It does throw into perspective just how angry I am and that I need to find a less harmful way of expressing that anger so it doesn't turn into something destructive. I read back my last post and I can read the anger in it. I can also read how stubborn I can be. And this makes me very sad.


So the question is - will I ever over react again? Almost definitely but I hope that I can manage not to blow things as far out of proportion to that level of anger as I did last weekend. I am going away again this weekend, the people around me think the break will do me good however they said that about last weekend and that didn't end well at all. I guess only time will tell . . .

Life never seems to get any easier, doesn't seem to matter what you do it always comes back to something little that tips the balance back downwards.

So, a weekend with friends on my. Something I was not looking forward to completely but it was necessary and it was nice to be reminded of the friends that I have and the support that that give me. But, and it is a massive but, I came home to a mess. The house was in a state and I was furious. If I never have to scream at someone they way I screamed at Andrew this afternoon I will be happy. It is never good when in screaming you retch and have to stop or throw up. I was so angry and over something so small, a dirty kitchen floor but as I went round and added everything up that I saw - lounge needed hoovering, kitchen sink was disgusting, washing up not done, nothing out of the freezer for tea - it became something massive in my mind and my brain went into meltdown.

At the moment I am hiding in my bedroom and have been here for over 3 hours because I am still too angry to even try and talk to him and, because he makes no effort, stalemate will remain until bedtime when I will still be to angry (or, if I am honest, to stubborn) to be in the same room as him meaning another night on the sofa. I know it is childish and I know there are more important things in life but my brain tells me he doesn't care. He doesn't care about home I work so hard to for, he doesn't care that doing these little things means that I can at least try and relax (something he shouts at me for not doing), and, when boiled down, he doesn't care what the little things mean in my mind - they mean that I am not fighting alone, they mean I don't have to deal with everything on my own and they mean, to me, an outward sign of love and respect.

Mum tells me not the let the little things get to me but I don't seem to be able to let them go. I want 'me' back, the 'me' that would have laughed and got sorted with a smile, the 'me' that wouldn't have made such a massive deal over a kitchen foor but I have lost me and I don't know where she is or how to find her.

Could this be the worst time of year?

Another week is over and another week closer to Christmas and, to be honest, I am dreading it.

I have, without realising it, been careful where I have gone, what I have done and who I have spent time with probably as a self defense mechanism as they are the people who offer me the most support as well as lacking opportunities to cause me pain. Christmas will be different as it will involve different people and circumstances.


It is not that I don't want to see people rather I don't want them to see my pain as they can't understand it and sometimes I even think that they don't care (harsh and possibly not true but reading peoples actions and lack of yells volumes to me).


I made the choice to make this Christmas the one that I never want to remember so I am not putting up the tree or decorating the house. I will send some cards but have cut back as well as on gifts and there will be no Christmas cake/puds/ pies. The only reason I will have a Christmas dinner because we are going to my parents in law's house. It does feel like an effort to enjoy myself and sometimes I even feel guilty for doing so despite knowing that life has to go on. Just not yet.

I went back for counselling last night and, to be honest, it was the hardest session so far and my challenge to not cry failed miserably. I sobbed my heart out as I remembered and went through everything I have been through and how I had felt at the time. I remembered the highest high and the lowest low and have realised that while I am still lower than I want to be, there is a long way underneath me to go back to where I was during those really awful days.

So, do I really think this is the worst time of year for this to have happened? Yes is the honest answer as Christmas is always aimed for children and it is a painful reminder for what we have lost.

Positive Mental Attitude

PMA, as many of my online friends call it, is something that I have been a little short of recently but today i have had the news that I have wanted, waited for and prayer I would get. I am allowed to go back onto the medication that helped us concieve and I even have a time line I can follow for it with no more blood tests or scans or investigations. I feel like such a weight has been lifted from me I could actually dance.

Yesterday afternoon I made a choice, I decided to change my hair and have a fringe cut back in. Sounds really little but it changes something about me that has been the same since I was 11 years old - that my fringe was the same length as the rest of my hair and never on my forehead.

But in that choice I decided to take back control of my life, to make a concious effort to regain the old me - all be it with the knowledge and emotions of my experiences but a me that I want to be for my family and my friends. I know that it will take time and there will be set backs but it is a start.

Dear Andrew,

Do you remember when we met? When life was all smiles and plans for the future. Can you even remember what attracted you to me back then? I remember clearly sitting in the bar in Oustend and you were smiling - you were always so happy back then. Always ready with a smile and a positive outlook and it made you beautiful in my eyes.

Do you remember when we got engaged? How we laughed and cried with joy? how we planned the future? When would be living together in our own home, how beautiful our wedding would be and how happy we would be to declare our love for the world to see with our family and friends beside us?

Do you remember our wedding day? How you looked at me as I met you at the alter in church after I had banned you from turning round to look at me because I didn't want to cry. Standing there next to you felt amazing, I was marrying the man of my dreams, the man who made me so very happy and the man with whom I had so many plans. We laughed, danced and thought the world was ours for the taking.

And look at you now. Your smile is too often absent and we both spend far too much time angry or upset. I spend to much of our time together crying. When we decided we wanted a family of our own I never expected the problems we have faced, I never expected it would be us as the unlucky struggling couple who were an object of pity. When we decided we wanted a family of our own it seemed to be so easy to achieve. And it wasn't.

I remember the disappointment felt when we had to go to the doctors and ask for help. I remember feeling like a failure and you assured me I wasn't. I remember telling you to leave me and find someone else, someone who could make your dreams come true and you told me that I was your dream and all others could be changed. You have sat by me for so many appointments and tests, you have held my hand, passed me a tissue when I needed one and bore the brunt of all my anger and frustration.

Do you remember the light in your eyes when I told you my test result was positive? It was like the hardships and the pain were forgotten and it was our turn for something truly miraculous - something I thought would never happen to us. Everything looked so bright. But then it wasn't to be. We had joked in the car to the hospital about the doctor over reacting and how relieved we would be once everything was confirmed and ok. But not 12 hours later our lives would crash even lower than they had ever been before. I remember that I couldn't look you in the face when I wept for our baby as I knew that I had let you down again and that the perfect life you deserve was going further and further out of your reach.

This last month has been so hard, just getting out of bed has been difficult but knowing you are there beside me, despite everything, means that I know I am not alone. You must love me or you would have left a long time ago.

So the question remains - what next? What else can life throw at us? Challenge us with? I can't see anything being as hard as the last 2 years have been. Short of being without you, I can't see how life could get any worse. Right now, all I want, is to see you smile again as if you hadn't got a care in the world.

With all my love
Victoria