The End

This will be the last post of this blog as my journey has come to an end. I have given up. Admitted defeat and accepted that this was not to be. It is time to regain control of my life and banish the unhappiness that this journey has brought me. We have agree to get rid of all tablets, test sticks, monitors etc and there will be no more hospital appointments, bloods, tests or scans. No more side effects, feeling sick, mood swings, looking for signs and worrying about the 'what ifs'. I do feel like a weight has been lifted, that I can shut the door on this chapter of my life and move onwards to a life where we can just be us. If friends with children choose to dump us because we are childless, so be it - there loss. The future seems less uncertain now, it will be just the 2 of us and we can enjoy our lives as such.

Had Enough

This afternoon I feel like I have been bombarded with the things that make me feel the worst, things that remind me of my sadness, my jealousy, my angry and the fact that I feel like I have failed in so many ways. I can't seem to avoid them and maybe I am being overly sensitive but sometimes I wounder if I have the right to be?

I go to a discussion forum with a dedicated board for those trying but it is full of ladies going for number 2, 3, 4 or even more and whilst they suceed I am struggling to be happy for them in my own unhappiness and that feels wrong and very unkind. There are ladies suceeding after just a few months and I am the same with them. The few long term ladies like me seem to be hiding away and I wonder if they feel the same way that i do?

I so want my old life back, the one where I never cried, the one where I was happy and could see a future of happiness in front of me, the one that didn't hold grief or anger or jealousy, the life I had before June 2008 when we made the choice to try for a family. The life that made sense.

I look into the future and see more unhappiness - I see what would have been my due date. I am supposed to be going to a re-enactment event on that date where I will be expected to take charge, be in control and organise people and I am dreading it, I just don't want to go. I see the summer when I hoped that I could be looking forward to our baby being born rolling out in more tablets that make me feel awful, more blood tests and more failed cycles. I see another Christmas looming which will be just Andrew and I when it should have been so much more than that. I see more people annoucing pregnancies, births, birthdays - all of which I remind me how long this nightmare has been going on for: all of which remind me of what I have failed to achieve.

I want to give up.
I want to throw in the towel , throw away the tablets and the letters and the tests - everything that has to do with this journey and just say enough, it is not worth it. I used to think that there would be a point at which I would be be allowed to give up. Andrew always seems to talk me into continuing, I know this is his dream as well but it is not him that is poked and prodded, that has to loose dignity in examinations and has to anwer intimate questions. he doesn't have to take tablets that make him feel awful and he didn't have to feel his baby leave his body.
But, and it is a big but, I can't help wondering if it will be worth it, if I will be able to look back at this post from a happier place and say it was worth it, it was worth all of it.

Hobbies

Following my thoughts on joining Ladies Circle I want to turn back time to think about the big hobby in my life - historical re-enactment. Or more specifically John Brights Regiment of the Roundhead Association of the English Civil War Society. I suppose I should start by saying this wasn't something I found and developed an interest in but rather something that has always been a part of my life. My parents met through this, I met my husband through this and some of my closest friends have come into my life via this hobby.


I can here people asking 'what is this', 'what do you do', 'what does it entail' and the short answer is a group of friends who portray a life gone past in the terms of military and civilian history in the form of battle and skirmish displays, dill displays, encampments and other such demonstrations. 'Where do we do this', all over the place - in the last few years I have been as far south as Lulworth Cove and as far north of Lanark.


'Why do I do this?'
Because I enjoy it? Because I get a lot out of it? Out of habit?
All of the above? Maybe. I enjoy the company and I enjoy spending time with good friend but things like this rarely come without stresses. my current role within the group means that I spend a great deal of time organising other people and, whilst I have a wonderful support network for which I am incredibly grateful, it is not the easiest thing in the world to do when your own life feels so out of control. However being the control freak that I am this is one area of my life that I can manage - I decide what events I want to go to, knowing what is expected of me once I get there.

Ladies Circle

Some months ago I saw an advertisement in a local free magazine inviting local ladies to join this group and the specifically said they were not the WI - I decided in that second 'why not'. As I work full time I had not really had chance to meet people locally and I saw this as a bit of a shame as when I moved from the city to a quiet village I thought it would be a chance to be a part of the community in general.

So, I rang the number, spoke to a lovely lady and arranged to meet up for a drink with her, another member and another lady interested in joining. Turns out this was a really positive something that I could do for myself, the ladies involved have been very welcoming and they do all sorts of interesting and different things. Too date there have been meals, bingo, wall building, tile painting, progressive suppers and much, much more planned for the future. I would highly recommend that anyone wondering whether to do something that seems a little bit scary goes for it - at the time my attitude was 'what have I got to loose' and the answer was nothing, in the end I have just gained so much more than I ever expected.

On Thursday Holbeach Ladies Circle is celebrating its 30th Charter Night, so 30th years of being a group within Ladies Circle, with a St Patricks themed dinner. I have done what I can to help - making invites and getting decorations and will also do what I can in the dressing up in green (although this might not be so much a success) and I am really looking forward to it.

It seems to be that this is another hobby/pastime to add to my list but I reckon I will get out what I put into it and that it will be worthwhile.

Why do I watch it?

Last night I curled up on the sofa in front of the TV, cats snuggled around me, and subjected myself to the latest episode of One Born Every Minute. Every week I have done this - for this series and the last as well as watching the Christmas specials on catch up. And every time I watch it I ask myself why. Why do I put myself through a programme that just causes me grief, anger and a profound sense of loss?

A lot depends on the families shown as to how it makes me react. Last night a couple who had suffered recurrent miscarriage had their dreams of a healthy baby come true which was a beautiful moment but couple bemoaning accidental pregnancy just make me feel so angry. No matter what and who is shown I always finish up with a sense that something wonderful is missing from my life and that I am worse off as a person because of it.

So why do I watch it? My honest answer is I don't know. Could it be for the same reason that people always look towards accidents? Maybe I am a glutton for punishing myself? Maybe one day I will have the answer.

Last night Andrew came home to a very sad me, one who had curled up in bed to continue to cry without any attempt to stop. For him I wish I could be stronger. I wish I could be more positive and remain hopeful and so my plan is to try, for Lent, to give up negativity. I want to make an active effort to be more positive and to remember that the future is not set and, while I will have waited for it, the future of my dreams can still be reached.

Grandad

Today, and I should have done this 2 days ago, I want to reflect on the life of the oldest man I have know - my Grandad, who turned 95 years old on Monday 28 February 2011.

He has always been a part of my life, the second husband of the Grandma I adore and looking back he never seemed to change. That is until he retired from cricket umpiring and his health started to degrade.

The last time I visited him, we went to the care home in which he has been since November and met him in the lounge after breakfast. My first thought was that he looked sad. Old, tired and sad and this wasn't something I was expecting. Until recently he has been adamant that he wants to go home, to be cared for at home despite the fact that this was not possible. Now he seems to have accepted that he can't go home, that he needs the constant care that the home can offer him and that we had no intention of putting him in there and forgetting about him. I have to confess that I am not a frequent visitor - the 90 miles just to get there is a bit too far to do every week but my mum and sister have rallied and visit as much as they can often taking Grandma who has also a wide network of friends who visit and help where they can.

One of the things I struggle most with is remember the viabrant and active man when looking at the frail, tired and ill man who could barely remember anything and for whom life holds no joy.

I look into my uncertain future and see a haze but through that haze I hope that become old is a joyous experience and I hope that I don't have to suffer in my old age but live it in dignity and with quality.

AAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH

Another blog post that I have started with no clear indication of which way it is going to go as all I want to do this morning is rant and rave and scream.

I want to rant about work, which is stressing me out completly and I want to rant about the unfairness of life as another 2 collegues are pregnant and I am still posioning myself with drugs that do nothing but make me feel crappy and have to go for tests all the time which are always inconclusive. I want to scream at the heavans and ask why the hell have I been chosen for this crap even after all the other crap I have dealt with. Who did I offend? What did I do wrong? Was I someone really terrible in a previous life? My frustration seems to be getting more and more and it only makes me angry which ends in nothing but tears.

I want to scream at all the people who come to me with their problems and issues - the demand I fix everything for them when I want to do is fix myself and I can't. I want the clinic to take me seriously and not forget me in a pile of other 'things to do', I want them to remember that I am a human being and that this is important to me even if I am just another number to them. I am fed up with managing everyone expections when I can't even manage my own.

I seem to spend so much time 'putting on a brave face' and smiling through things, trying to be upbeat and chirpy when inside I am screaming in anger and all I want is to sob my heart out and let people see, recognise and accept my pain. It is so hard to answer the age old question 'are you alright' with a 'no' even when you really want to. How much of all this is my medication talking? I have no idea, maybe a lot more than I give credit for but it doesn't change anything.

I suppose at the end of it all I just want someone to care enough to fix it all.

A record

Today I want to talk about my need to record things and the fact that I do this in a number of different places and formats.

The first place I record things is here - this is limited to text really and I am happy with that. My purpose for keeping this blog has not changed since I started it. I wanted to share my experiences with people allowing those close to me to understand how I am feeling and why and also to give them the chance to offer me the support that I am not often capable of asking for but also those who don't know me so well to realise that they are not alone in their circumstances and emotions and that there are people out there that do understand (even if not completely).

I also have a diary that I use on a semi regular basis but I tend to only write in this when I am feeling really low so it can be really upsetting to go back and re-read it.

All that in mind I have recently decided that I wanted to keep a scrap book to document the events of this year. With things looking very low at the moment my hope is that I can use this book to show that there are good things that are worth recording, worth look back on and worth remembering. I have started my book with a couple of pages of photos from last year - the good ones, the ones that remind me that there were moments when life did not seem so pointless or dark, there were moments that I enjoyed living.

I know that there might be some negative things recorded in this book, one on my next pages is going to be a mood board type of thing so I can record the emotions I am struggling with in the hope that in the future I can look back and be proud that I have moved on and become a happier person although I do think I might be setting myself up to fail. Maybe I should wish myself the ability to enjoy the good things without allowing the bad to overshadow everything.

A letter to old friends

Dear Old Friends

It would seem that we have no really seen much of each other of late and I think I should be grown up enough to take some of the blame for that. As a friend I know I have become hard work and many people find me uncomfortable to be around because my recent experiences have had a profound impact on the person that I am and the support I need. As such I am not angry or upset that we have lost touch any more.

At the time, when I first needed so much of the people around me, I was angry that you weren't prepared to spend the extra time and effort to support me but I have accepted that most people don't know how and some people don't have time and I am constantly reminded that I have the friends around me that do have time and will make the effort for me.

Hoping that your lives are much fulfilled,
Victoria

A Letter to me?

I wanted to write a letter to my future, to the person I want to be in an years time, in 5 years time, 20 years time and then I realised that, through no fault of my own, I might not be able to be the person I would like to be, I might have to settle for something different. I don't want to say something less as that sounds like there could be no joy or fulfilment for my my life if it takes a different path.


I want to be able to say to myself that in the future I will be able to look back at everything that I have dealt with was all the for the greater good and things came right in the end, that I was never a failure, it just took me a while to achieve. The problem is that right now, I can't see the future with any any clarity and some days I struggle to find any hope that the future might turn out the way I would like. I have to wonder what life will be like either way - the short answer is that I have no idea. And that scares me.

This weekend I had another minor row with my husband - I say minor as it was over nothing, I just was so angry and frustrated that I need to vent out somehow and he, as often before, was the nearest target. I am lucky that he is able to realise where my anger comes from and that it is often directed at him because I don't know where else to send it. I want to ask my future self if I have stopped having these irraitional out bursts as there is nothing to gain from them, I hope that I can look back and see how much I have managed to improve my temper and my emotional control.

I want to know that my future self has been able to manage the loss, the grief and the pain that I am carrying with me at the moment - I want to know that it will all work out for the best and that I am happy and content.

A Letter to the EPU

To whom it may concern,

My only contact with you has been as a result of my miscarriage and I would like to point out a number of my observances from the the treatment that I received from you.

I would like to remind you that, whilst you deal with instances like mine on a daily basis I don't and what I really needed was some human compassion and understanding. I would like to remind you of the missive 'deal with others as you would wish to be dealt with'. I was made to feel like I was an inconvenience to you, I didn't have appointments which meant someone had to make time to see me but I was devastated and I wanted clear information and reassurance - what I received I had to ask for and this is incredibly hard when you have no idea what to ask. I remember that by the time I was seen with all my test results I have been in your department for 7 hours and all I wanted was to go home but being forgotton for over 2 hours because your handover was inaccurate was not the information I required. It made me feel unimportant and a nusiance. It made me feel like I shouldn't be wasting your time.

My experience in your waiting room was a long one and it was punctuated by a number of other couples including one whom were excitied by their unexpected pregancy and were basking in this dispite me sat sobbing in the corner. I find it cruel to place couples like that in with couples suffering as we were, surely there could have been somewhere else for one of us to have been asked to wait? Again, I am asking for some human compassion to be shown, something I feel your unit lacked.

I have to make comparisons to the fertility clinic that I attend where the staff handle me with care and consideration - they are aware that their waiting room is not the kindest as it is shared with ante-natal and gyneacology and the material is always focused on ante-natal patients but I have the choice to wait elsewhere if I wish. I do feel like you could learn a lot from them.

It was staff from this clinic who performed the ultra sound scan and confirm the worst, the doctor and nurse here were kind, were understanding of my distress and we willing to take the time to make sure I understood but I was with them for less that 30 minutes of my long day and so it is the negative I have focused upon.

Yours, in the hope that in the future you are kinder to other women who are unfortunate enough to be in your care for sad circumstances,
Victoria

A letter to my online friends

To those friends whom I may never have met in person


I have realised of late that I have a number of friends whom I have never met, whom exist as user names on forums and places like face book. But these are people who I respect and whose opinions I value. It does make me smile when I think of the detail forums get to but I have found that using various forums have been a great comfort to me as I know that I am not alone. While there has never been (and probably never will be) someone in the same shoes as me there are plenty in similar and I take comfort in the fact that often things work out for the best.

I have often found the support that you have offered has been invaluable and have found that, from these avenues I have been offered real opinions and advice - often missing when talking to people in real life due to the fear of causing upset or offense. It was to discussion forums and groups that I have been able to turn in my loneliest moments and for that I have to be grateful that they exist and I hope that, in turn, one day I can reciprocate and provide someone else with the support and honesty I have been lucky enough to recieve.


As a parting wish I hope that you all overcome the hurdles that life has put in your way, that you succeed in your endeavours and that all your dreams come.


yours, with respect,

Victoria, vicfish or whatever username you might know me by.

A letter to Mum

Dear Mum,

I guess being a mum can be a thankless task, I was a snotty child, an angry teen and when I moved away I was terrible at contacting home. But know I realise how much I really do need you. It seems that only as an adult have I realised the lengths you went to in order to make my childhood a good one and it occurs to me that I have never really said thank you. I should have been the happiest child in the world - I was always clean, fed and well dressed and, more importantly, I was loved and I knew it.

In the past I would never have described us as close, I was a Daddy's girl. It was with him I shared my hobbies and friends and interests and it was you that was often let out and for that I do feel some guilt. I wish we had spent more time enjoying each others company and less time butting heads over things that I now realise were trivial. I remember the last time we had a proper falling out - I was rude and you caught me! I had run because I wasn't daft but stopped because I was and I deserved the slap I got. I remember hoping that we would never come to that point ever again.

I also remember when you sat on my sofa and told me you had breast cancer, it was a moment of clarity - I realised that one day I would loose you. I have no doubt that the breast cancer would beat you but realised that one day, many moons from today I would have no choice but to manage without you and that didn't hit home until the day I rang you, sobbing my heart out, from the car because the doctor had told me I was depressed. You got straight in the car and came to me, one of the numerous times you have done this, always when I was most in need. Again, I don't think I have said thank you enough for these actions and I should.

We went shopping before Christmas and it was a great day - very relaxed and something I can't wait to do again. It brings to my attention that, because I do live a way away from you, that we can't do this all the time and so the time that we have we need to treasure: something I plan to do from now onwards.

I think my one wish for the future is that I can be half as good a mum as you are. I think that if I can manage that they you have taught me well and I will have done you proud.

All my love and my thanks
Victoria

A series of Letters

I have decided to write a short series of letters to the people in my life who have done so much for, about our pasts, our presents and our futures and what they mean to me.

In this I hope to achieve the ability to communicate some things that maybe I don't say often enough.

A letter to my real life friends

To my dearest friends,


I feel that I have to say thank you each and everyone of you who has protected me when I was vulnerable, hugged me when I was sad, laughed with me in the good times and picked me back up when I was on the floor. Sometimes I think I just don't deserve the friends I have and other times I have to remind myself to be very grateful to every single one of you.

I think back on the things that you have done for me - the big things, the little things and the things that seem so very insignificant at the time but can be the more important. I also wonder if sometimes I miss the things that are done for me in the general rush that is living life.

It is amazing to look at my friends and realise how long I have known some of you, some for more years than you care to remember and some not for so long but all as valued. I think it would take far to long to go into the details of everyone in one short letter so my final act will be to say thank you, from the depths of my being and to wish that our friendships will continue for many long years to come,


in gratitude
Victoria

Dieting

Today I wanted to write something about a thing that invades my life every single day, something I think about and something I need to regain control of. What is this thing I hear you ask?

Food.
Nothing more than food and with the start of the new year, the re-starting of the diet (or at least an attempt to restart the diet) and my plan to regain some control means that this has been a thought for a while.


So, first things first. A confession. I am a comfort eater. I eat because it makes me feel better, not always because I am hungry. I thought, stupidly, that being aware of it meant I could stop myself from doing it but it would seem that I am very wrong. Today is the day that I have chosen (after an amazing weekend with my friends) to start to try and make a conscious effort to at least look at what I am eating in the hope that this can lead me back in to a cycle of being in control. In that vain this morning so far I have had some cornflakes and a hot chocolate.

Wish me luck as I have done this a number of times in my life dso far and the cycle has yet to be broken.

Earning a Living

Today has been a pretty crappy day in the office so I decided to take a moment to record how my circumstances have affected and been affected by the fact I work full time and the job that I do. There are days when I just don't want to get out of bed to come to work but I have no choice.

I have to remember, and sometimes it is hard to, that I work for a good company and my boss is very understanding. He has allowed me the flexibility I have needed to attend appointments, to take time off and to have melt downs. He has also tried to be an ear when I have needed one and for that I must be grateful. But, I work in a busy, fast paced office with people flying all over the place all of the time and when all I want to do is hide and be left to be busy in peace it is hard to achieve.

I have also found it very hard, at times, to be around people who have no idea what is going on. People that barely know me and get still I have to continue to make polite conversation about whatever topic they come up with, often families and children, which, whilst some days is fine, other days is very hard for me to manage.

Taking time off for appointments does make me feel incredibly guilty and I desperately try to make up time taken so that no one can say I am taking the mickey but this is hard to do when you have a long commute and a lot of appointments, often grouped together. The other thing I struggle with is the length of time I have been asked for the flexibility and how sometimes I feel that it is just one trauma after another. I do look forward to the day when I can say all my appointments are done but that means the ulitmate failure in that there is nothing left to be done with me.

Work is a necesity, there is nothing short of a lottery win that can change that and the best I can do is grit my teeth and get on with it remembering that I have good friends and understanding when I need it but hoping that one day, just maybe, I will have a more important job to do . . . .

What Makes a Mother - a poem by Jennifer Wasik

I thought of you and closed my eyes
and prayer to God today
I asked what makes a mother
and I know I heard him say . . .


A mother has a baby
This we know is true
but God, can you be a mother
when your baby is not with you?


Yes, you can He replied
with confidence in his voice
I give many women babies
When they leave is not their choice


Some I send for a lifetime
and other just for a day
And some I send to feel your womb
But there's no need to stay


I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here
He took a breath and cleared his throat
and then I saw a tear


I wish I could show you
What your child is doing today
If you could see your child smile
with the other children and say:


We go to earth to learn our lesson
of love and life and fear
my mommy loved me oh so much
I got come straight here


I feel so lucky to have a mom
who has so much love for me
I learned my lessons very quickly
my mommy set me free


I miss my mommy oh so much
but I visit every day
When she goes to sleep
on her pillow is where I lay


I stroke her hair and kiss her check
and whisper in her ear
Mommy don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I'm here

So, you see my dear sweet one
Your children are not blue
your babies are here in MY home
They'll be at Heaven's gate waiting for you

So now you see what makes a mother
Its the feeling in your heart
Its the Love you had so much of
right from the very start

Though some on earth may not realise you are a mother
until their time is done
they'll be up here with me one day
and they'll know you were the best one

On the Road Again

I have counselling again last night and after a good session which ended with me feeling uplifted and proud of my ability to finally manage my emotions I was told that I could be discharged. Wow, that was a shock and it felt like a rug had been pulled out from under me but then I realised - the rug can't stay there forever, I have to get on with my life, I have turn the pages to a fresh one and get on with my life. Have I finished grieving? I am not sure but I am sure that I have accepted what has happened and that it was not my fault and that it doesn't mean that there is no future, it just means that the road has taken an unexpected and difficult route.

There are still some things that I am not sure I am ready for but I finally want to be out in the world, spending time with more people and not hiding at home and only seeing those whom I feel the most comfortable with. I can finally see that the future is out there and that good things can happen.

Yesterday I did have a 'light bulb switches on' moment when I took time to think about and talk about the support network I have. Not only am I lucky enough to have a family (mine and in laws) that care deeply but I have friends. These friends have spent their precious time supporting me and for that I am grateful. Some of my friends have drifted away for whatever reason, I am hoping time will bring most of them back, some of my friends have become much closer and I realised yesterday that does bring me a great deal of happiness.

So, today I feel like I am back on the road again, where that roads goes I don't know and what it will bring might be postive or not but I know that I have support and I have learnt that it is ok to ask for help.

Happy New Year

and a better year is all I can wish for. I remember when the clock struck midnight and we welcomed 2010 I wished for a good year and Andrew and I, a year that brought us closer to having a family as well as some answers but really when I look back all I can see is a year of sorrow and disappointment. I really don't want 2011 to be the same.

So, time for some new year resolutions:
1) Learn to and take time to appreciate the little things
2) Don't let the little things turn into big things and get all out of proportion
3) Take time to do the things I want to do, even if that means doing nothing at all
4) Ask for help
5) Be there for family and friends when they need me

I refuse to set myself goals that I have no control over and I no longer want my life to be held back waiting for things. I want to be in control and I want to be able to take the life I have and live it to the best of my abilities.

When the clock stuck midnight Andew and I held each other, reminded ourselves that we have each other and that it makes us very lucky no matter what else we have dealt with. I was able to look round the room and be reminded of family and of friends, all of which I need to appreciate more. I have things to look forward to - we want to plan another long weekend city break for Andrew's birthday in November, re-enactment events with friends who mean the world the me, visits to see family and friends for no other reason than because it is good to see them.

Oh and another hospital appointment in mid February ............