Christmas

Over the last few days I have been reminded how lucky I am with my friends and family. Again we are offered love and support by people when it is least expected but most needed.

Christmas was dfficult as it was a mile stone I had to reach and, in my thoughts, survive but thanks to my mother in law whose compassion and understanding never fails to astound me I was fine, I enjoyed being in company and spending time with Andrew's family. I realise that I have still have my limits and I have enjoyed spending time with me, doing what I want to do when I want to do it and relaxing. I have enjoyed spending time with the people I choose to and being allowed to talk when I want and listen when it is needed.

I want to take a moment to think of a good friend who is struggling with breast cancer. Having seen my Mum and Grandma go through a similar battle I really wish her all the best and I hope her fight becomes easier as I would never wish her suffering and illness on anyone.

My wish is that the New Year brings better things for all those out there suffering in what ever form.

Milestones

I know that practically I had put in my mind a lot of milestones that will no longer happen: a 12 week scan, telling people our good news, a 20 week scan, shopping trips, decorating the spare room and, eventually, a due date. This week would have been the first of these milestones and it reminds me of where I am and where I been to get here.

I know that reaching these milestones will be emotional times I am just not sure what emotions to expect. At the moment I am still feeling a profound loose and the sadness that goes with it, I am also very angry that after everything we have had to suffer we have to go through this as well.

The other emotion I have is one of hope. We managed the first hurdle, fell at the second fine but we cleared the first (even with a leg up of medication) which has be a positive thing and something that we can cling to when the sadness and the anger gets to be too much.

I really want to be more positive, I feel that I owe it to the people who have been there for me, listened to me and supported me and hopefully in time I will get there for me as well as for them. I am starting to believe it when they say that time is the greatest healer so my next request is: can time move more quickly please?

Over-reacting

After Sunday's mammoth over reaction I have spent some time thinking about when a reaction is to much and why I sometimes over react to the situations I am confronted with. As with Sunday it was the littlest of things - a mucky kitchen floor which was a base on which to build full bins, DVDs left out, crumbs on the coffee table, nothing out for tea and so on until all these little things took on a life of their very own and my brain could not deal with any of them.

Talking over what happened I have seen that I used the situation to vent anger that I have been sat on that had absolutely nothing to do with the actual situation I was in. It does throw into perspective just how angry I am and that I need to find a less harmful way of expressing that anger so it doesn't turn into something destructive. I read back my last post and I can read the anger in it. I can also read how stubborn I can be. And this makes me very sad.


So the question is - will I ever over react again? Almost definitely but I hope that I can manage not to blow things as far out of proportion to that level of anger as I did last weekend. I am going away again this weekend, the people around me think the break will do me good however they said that about last weekend and that didn't end well at all. I guess only time will tell . . .

Life never seems to get any easier, doesn't seem to matter what you do it always comes back to something little that tips the balance back downwards.

So, a weekend with friends on my. Something I was not looking forward to completely but it was necessary and it was nice to be reminded of the friends that I have and the support that that give me. But, and it is a massive but, I came home to a mess. The house was in a state and I was furious. If I never have to scream at someone they way I screamed at Andrew this afternoon I will be happy. It is never good when in screaming you retch and have to stop or throw up. I was so angry and over something so small, a dirty kitchen floor but as I went round and added everything up that I saw - lounge needed hoovering, kitchen sink was disgusting, washing up not done, nothing out of the freezer for tea - it became something massive in my mind and my brain went into meltdown.

At the moment I am hiding in my bedroom and have been here for over 3 hours because I am still too angry to even try and talk to him and, because he makes no effort, stalemate will remain until bedtime when I will still be to angry (or, if I am honest, to stubborn) to be in the same room as him meaning another night on the sofa. I know it is childish and I know there are more important things in life but my brain tells me he doesn't care. He doesn't care about home I work so hard to for, he doesn't care that doing these little things means that I can at least try and relax (something he shouts at me for not doing), and, when boiled down, he doesn't care what the little things mean in my mind - they mean that I am not fighting alone, they mean I don't have to deal with everything on my own and they mean, to me, an outward sign of love and respect.

Mum tells me not the let the little things get to me but I don't seem to be able to let them go. I want 'me' back, the 'me' that would have laughed and got sorted with a smile, the 'me' that wouldn't have made such a massive deal over a kitchen foor but I have lost me and I don't know where she is or how to find her.

Could this be the worst time of year?

Another week is over and another week closer to Christmas and, to be honest, I am dreading it.

I have, without realising it, been careful where I have gone, what I have done and who I have spent time with probably as a self defense mechanism as they are the people who offer me the most support as well as lacking opportunities to cause me pain. Christmas will be different as it will involve different people and circumstances.


It is not that I don't want to see people rather I don't want them to see my pain as they can't understand it and sometimes I even think that they don't care (harsh and possibly not true but reading peoples actions and lack of yells volumes to me).


I made the choice to make this Christmas the one that I never want to remember so I am not putting up the tree or decorating the house. I will send some cards but have cut back as well as on gifts and there will be no Christmas cake/puds/ pies. The only reason I will have a Christmas dinner because we are going to my parents in law's house. It does feel like an effort to enjoy myself and sometimes I even feel guilty for doing so despite knowing that life has to go on. Just not yet.

I went back for counselling last night and, to be honest, it was the hardest session so far and my challenge to not cry failed miserably. I sobbed my heart out as I remembered and went through everything I have been through and how I had felt at the time. I remembered the highest high and the lowest low and have realised that while I am still lower than I want to be, there is a long way underneath me to go back to where I was during those really awful days.

So, do I really think this is the worst time of year for this to have happened? Yes is the honest answer as Christmas is always aimed for children and it is a painful reminder for what we have lost.

Positive Mental Attitude

PMA, as many of my online friends call it, is something that I have been a little short of recently but today i have had the news that I have wanted, waited for and prayer I would get. I am allowed to go back onto the medication that helped us concieve and I even have a time line I can follow for it with no more blood tests or scans or investigations. I feel like such a weight has been lifted from me I could actually dance.

Yesterday afternoon I made a choice, I decided to change my hair and have a fringe cut back in. Sounds really little but it changes something about me that has been the same since I was 11 years old - that my fringe was the same length as the rest of my hair and never on my forehead.

But in that choice I decided to take back control of my life, to make a concious effort to regain the old me - all be it with the knowledge and emotions of my experiences but a me that I want to be for my family and my friends. I know that it will take time and there will be set backs but it is a start.

Dear Andrew,

Do you remember when we met? When life was all smiles and plans for the future. Can you even remember what attracted you to me back then? I remember clearly sitting in the bar in Oustend and you were smiling - you were always so happy back then. Always ready with a smile and a positive outlook and it made you beautiful in my eyes.

Do you remember when we got engaged? How we laughed and cried with joy? how we planned the future? When would be living together in our own home, how beautiful our wedding would be and how happy we would be to declare our love for the world to see with our family and friends beside us?

Do you remember our wedding day? How you looked at me as I met you at the alter in church after I had banned you from turning round to look at me because I didn't want to cry. Standing there next to you felt amazing, I was marrying the man of my dreams, the man who made me so very happy and the man with whom I had so many plans. We laughed, danced and thought the world was ours for the taking.

And look at you now. Your smile is too often absent and we both spend far too much time angry or upset. I spend to much of our time together crying. When we decided we wanted a family of our own I never expected the problems we have faced, I never expected it would be us as the unlucky struggling couple who were an object of pity. When we decided we wanted a family of our own it seemed to be so easy to achieve. And it wasn't.

I remember the disappointment felt when we had to go to the doctors and ask for help. I remember feeling like a failure and you assured me I wasn't. I remember telling you to leave me and find someone else, someone who could make your dreams come true and you told me that I was your dream and all others could be changed. You have sat by me for so many appointments and tests, you have held my hand, passed me a tissue when I needed one and bore the brunt of all my anger and frustration.

Do you remember the light in your eyes when I told you my test result was positive? It was like the hardships and the pain were forgotten and it was our turn for something truly miraculous - something I thought would never happen to us. Everything looked so bright. But then it wasn't to be. We had joked in the car to the hospital about the doctor over reacting and how relieved we would be once everything was confirmed and ok. But not 12 hours later our lives would crash even lower than they had ever been before. I remember that I couldn't look you in the face when I wept for our baby as I knew that I had let you down again and that the perfect life you deserve was going further and further out of your reach.

This last month has been so hard, just getting out of bed has been difficult but knowing you are there beside me, despite everything, means that I know I am not alone. You must love me or you would have left a long time ago.

So the question remains - what next? What else can life throw at us? Challenge us with? I can't see anything being as hard as the last 2 years have been. Short of being without you, I can't see how life could get any worse. Right now, all I want, is to see you smile again as if you hadn't got a care in the world.

With all my love
Victoria

Time Out

So a weekend away was what we decided we needed months ago and little did we know that it would be even more important when we actually came to it but it was booked so off we went. We had a lovely B+B booked only 10 mins walk out of the town centre and so once we got there we didn't use the car at all. The weekend was spent in a blur of museums, shops, sites, walking, pubs, restaurants and relaxing. Problem is that you always have to come home and restart life again . . . . .


Spending time with Andrew has been great as we have had no other distractions to take away from our time. We have had the chance to talk as well as just be together, often quietly with no constraints on our time. The one purchase we made that was truly significant was a bracelet for me with angel wings on a card which read something along the lines of:
Make A Wish and each time you put on your bracelet remind yourself of your wish and that you are closer to it today than you were yesterday.

It reminds me that my baby is sleeping with the angels but also that we are closer to having our wishes granted and our dreams coming true that we were and that what doesn't kill us will only make us stronger.

Yesterday was back to the hospital for another scan, ideal result was a reduced cyst, what I actually got was nothing like as it is still there and still the same size so I am in limbo until the clinic come back to me with information and answers - being not the most patient person in the world I am going insane with the whole lack of knowledge.

The only thing is really means for moment is that the de-stressed and relaxed me has gone away again and I am back to my angry and frustrated self.

Another year older

Another year older . . It is hubby's birthday tomorrow so he will be another year older before we have the end in sight. It is a long time before I am another year older but now, instead of looking forward to the birth of our baby I have no idea where we might be or what we might be doing. It is things like this that remind me of the passage of time.


I spoke to a good friend a few days ago. A good friend whom I have known for about 9 years and whom I speak to regularly but, on occasions, we do go for a few months without speaking when we are both busy however this doesn't change anything. I still consider her to be a good and close friend. She did what she does very well - she talked until I was ready to and then she listened. She is an amazing listener and there are times I don't know how she does it. She never says that she understands, she always says that she can't because life has happened differently for her the same as I can't understand some of the more difficult times she has been through, but to hear that makes a difference.

We talked for a long time, felt like hours and really it wasn't, and I came away remembering that she was there for me, no matter how busy life was and that really I shouldn't have been afraid to call her before now in case she didn't have time for me. She had been concerned about calling me as she didn't know what to say to me but figured, after a couple of text messages, normality was the answer - she was right as always.

As I have come back out from under my black cloud I have spent more and more time talking to my friends and realising the support and, for lack of a better word, love that I have from them. There are times when we can't manage without or friends and I am incredibly grateful to every single one who has offered me so much in the last few weeks. Whilst I would never wish unpleasant times on anyone, I trust that I will be able to return the favour if they ever need it.

Hope and Faith

Tonight I am tired.

It is late and there is no way I can sleep and so I am sat up watching the TV and playing online until I feel like I can sleep without having to think or dream. The bottle of wine might help as might the rum and coke and I have managed to have a relaxing evening alone which also included a box of chocolates but I still feel like I am missing something and that something is the fact that that instead of a tummy full of booze I should be 8-9 weeks pregnant but there is no longer any baby for me to protect or nurture.

Wishing that my baby sleeps well with the angels is no small comfort to me as my selfish nature wishes that my baby could sleep well with us but I suppose there is a greater plan that I can neither see nor understand.

My heart at the moment says that if we are ever graced with a baby and a girl then my choice of names stop with Hope and Faith because I am trying to cling onto both at this difficult time however only time will tell and the future is not to been seen.

the day after.

The day after the afternoon before and my appointment has been and gone. Although only an assessment it was hard and left me feeling drained - physically, mentally and emotionally. i did cry, felt like an idiot for doing so and gave myself the king of all heaches doing it so I am not sure if it did me any good or not but my assessment says I have to go back, maybe for some time to work through my emotions until I am in a better place.


This morning has been awful. I have barely slept, been up and doing things like washing since 5am and still left the house at 7.15 to come to work. I know I am going to be on my own this weekend as Andrew is going away to see friends and I know there is plenty of things for me to do including the ironing, cleaning, card making (I am going to need to find more occasions to give people cards as I already have loads made) and generally being alone which might be good for me or it might not, I have not been left alone in what feels like so long I don't remember how to be comfortable with just me anymore.


I have a feeling that I might treat myself to a duvet day, might encourage me to do nothing and remind me that once in a while I am allowed to be selfish and to put myself first.

Why don't I want to go . . . .

when I know it will be good for me?

So, today I have my first counselling appointment. It was short notice as there was a cancellation so I will have only known about it for 48 hours by the time I get there and, with 4 and a half hours to go I am terrified of going. I have so little information to arm myself with - I don't know how long the session will last, what the councillor will ask or expect of me and, above all, I don't want to spend the session crying.

I am so tired of crying. It seems over the last 3 weeks all I have done is cry, or spend time stopping myself from bursting into tears at the silliest of little things for example we went to see a fireworks show and, surrounded by families, the only thing I could think was how we should have had our own little one to show the fireworks next year but that dream was no longer an option. I am dreading Christmas because instead of being 14ish weeks pregnant and happily showing people a lovely healthily scan photo I am going to be sat surrounded by nieces and nephews knowing that I am not going to have a baby to share next Christmas with. All my dreams have been dashed and I can no longer find the joy in gatherings which should have been wonderful.

I know that turning into a hermit is the least painful option but the option that I can least afford to take, I can't hide away from life and the people in my life because it reminds me of what I have lost but it is so tempting to do.

One of the things I know that I will have to work on is my reactions to people. Last night Andrew and I were talking and he basically told me that I am 'short' with people and far too opinionated which did nothing for my confidence levels but, if he is right, then it is something I should change but how can you change something you don't know you are doing? Our relationship has gone through some tough times and we have come out stronger but this, after everything he said to me yesterday, might be something we can't survive. He still refuses to talk about how he feels, he never emotes, yes he is a man but how can you deal with something together when one half of the partnership appears to have nothing to deal with? He has been so fast to point out of all my flaws and faults that I can't even see why he wants to be with me.

The last time I hit what I thought was rock bottom I left Andrew, deciding it was better for me to be alone as not to inflict myself on someone else but he persuded me to stay, made me believe that things could only get better. At the moment I can't see why I stayed as the appears to be no bottom, things aren't better, they are worse and I just keep going down.

Perspective

You know the feeling when a headache is strangling you right across the eye brows and your brain just wants to run away and hide in the nearest corner? That is how I am feeling today.

I have already snapped at enough people to get myself into trouble and I need to regain perspective so here goes:
We have heard this morning that a colleague has passed away from cancer. He was a young man with a wife and young daughter and has battled this disease for the last 12 months. He was, by appearance, fit and healthy, he had an active life style and many friends. He will be missed by all of them. I feel for his family, they will never see him again, never be with him, never share their lives with him. It seems so unfair that someone with everything to live for has been taken from the world in such a cruel fashion.

Why?
It is the question his family must be asking, the same as I keep asking that question in my circumstances but, for them, with sorow and lose so much deeper that I have ever experienced. There can be no answers for them but I hope that they are able to take comfort in the people around them.

2 Steps forward, 3 steps back

Yesterday I had such as positive day. The blood taking was not pleasant but it never is and I have started trying to look forwards. Today I feel like yesterday never happened as I seem to have crashed backwards and back into the black hole. My results were going the right way but not quickly enough, I have no idea what difference this makes but it is enough that the tests need to be repeated and there does seem to be some concern.


Today I am feeling sad again, sad that I will never meet the life that started within me, sad that my body had to fail me when I thought all everything was going so well, sad that I am back to square one which might even turn into square minus 1 if my body can't resolve what has happened to it. I just want to be normal - I wish we had been one of the lucky couples who had decided they wanted a family and presto - done. No waiting, no tests, no uncertainties, no grief.

I am still feeling like a social leper. No one seems to know what to say to me and this frustrates me beyond belief because it is not in my nature to know that someone is in pain and say and do nothing - the least I would do is offer comfort. My rational brain tells me that people don't understand and don't want to upset but NEWS FLASH I am already upset, nothing they can say can make it any worse. Even the most hurtful comments are made by well meaning people who are just trying to help and I am grateful that they cared enough to make the effort.

I am going to crawl back in my box now and hope.

When the Dust Settles

So, what happens when the dust settles? When you finally come out of the black cloud and remember to start looking forwards again.

It as taken time for this to happen and, while I am not 'over it' by any stretch of the imagination I am at least coming to terms with the position we find ourselves in. it is difficult to quantify things - how do I feel? what do I want to do? At the moment the question of what do I want to eat is beyond me so there is no chance I will be able to say what I want but the day when I am ready to do that is no longer one that I can not see.

I do find it very difficult when people say to me 'at least you know that you can get pregnant', it is hurtful - as if the loss of this baby justifies knowing this as well as the time scale it has taken to get here. I don't want to wait for another 2 and 1/2 years, I want what I can't have, what has been lost. There are also no guarentees that the medication will work again, if I even allowed to continue taking it - I can see the next few weeks being very stressful as we wait for the appointment where the decision will hopefully be made.

I do want to take time to have a moment of thought and prayer for Lily Allen, I can't comprehend the pain she and her partner are in at the moment, to lose a baby at 6 weeks is devastating but to lose a baby at 6 months must be something else entirely.

So, the next question I have asked a lot over the last 2 weeks - is it ok for me to be angry? If it is, and it has to be, who I am entitled to be angry with? For me anger has to be directed somewhere - at myself, Andrew, friends, family, medical staff, random people who I am jealous of because they have what desperatly want. I keep going back to the question: why can teenagers/ drug addicts/ alcoholics/ spongers/ scroungers have a baby when I am still here without one? I work hard, try to be a good person, have a nice home, stable job, wonderful man yet still I feel as if I am being punished.

The dust has started to settle but I can't imagine it staying that way for long enough.

Remembrance

http://www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/ma2006/support/forget-me-not/forgetmenotmeadow10.htm

What Next?

So, I have had no choice but to live the nightmare of the last 6 days, none of my wishes that it wasn't real has benen granted and I am left to deal with the aftermath.

It is real, I have lost the baby that I have fought so hard for, prayed so hard for, wished so hard for and dreamed of. My dream is over and I have no choice but to learn how to deal with it. Spending all day on Tuesday in the hospital was heart breaking; every where we went there were couple celebrating whilst nurses told us how sorry they were. I cried so many times just didn't know what to do, what to say.

At the moment I am tired of people telling me how strong I am, how I will cope and how things wll get better, right now this doesn't help nor can I see it. I also hate the line ' well it worked once, you can get pregnant again' - it is not the point, I wanted that baby, that life, that dream and it has been snatched away from me for a reason that I will never know or understand. I want to scream about the injustice of it but all I can manage is to cry out my grief, frustration and anger. Why does life have to be so unfair, what did I do wrong?

I have so many unanswered questions but nowhere to look for the answers, all I keep asking is what else can go wrong?
what else can be taken from me?
what next?

The highs and lows

So after the stress of my last post I wanted to post something that returned to a calmer and much more centred me however the excitment of the last weeks has meant that I can finally annouce to the entire world that everything that I have been through, everything I have done and everything that I have subjected those around me to has been worth it because


I am going to be a mummy!


It seems so very strnage to write these words even after everything I have been through.



I decided to do my first test after nearly of week of feeling awful with every symptom in the book and never dreamed it would be positive, my thought was to see a negative and to move on. 5 days and 3 more tests later and it seemed the dream was real. Blood tests with the doctors which were positive and then an appointment but that is where things started to fall apart.

After questions and an examinations I was sent, at the rush, to the hospital for more tests including an internal and more bloods, when they sent me on my way things seemed pretty positive but some hours later I had the phone call from hell. My blood results were not good. My hormone levels, instead and increasing rapidly, had decreased and there were one of 2 options, a natural misscarriage or, a bit more serious, an ectopic pregnancy.

My world collapsed.
For 7 days and 11 hours I thought something had gone right, our luck had changed and we were on the pathway to better things but I was wrong. I should have known that there was no way we could have some thing so wonderful. In that last 16 hours I have barely stopped crying, I can't sleep and my dream has turned into my worst nightmare.

I have to go back in a couple of days to see what they will do will me and until then all I can do is wait and try and find some way of coping. I have no idea where to start.

Why Me?

Today all I want to do is scream my frustration and lack of patience at anyone that crosses my path. The littlest things are driving me to distraction and I am, once again, getting short and snappy without due need or reason. I can put it down to the medication but it doesn't change how I feel at the bottom of it all:
WHY AM I THE ONLY PERSON IN THE WORLD THAT CAN'T DO THIS OH SO SIMPLE AND NATURAL THING!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know in my rational brain that I am not the only person who is going through this nightmare and that there are plenty of couples out there going through this and worse than me so why do I feel so alone? Why does it feel like only me that is living this? And why does it feel like no one understands?

A few weeks ago I was approached by a pregnant friend whom I thought was avoiding me. Turned out I was right and she was concerned that just by being around me she would make me feel worse when actually I don't mind, I am pleased for them and wish them all the happiness in the world however I am a human being and can't help being jealous and she understood that - it was not a negative thing, just one of those things that just is. I can chose to walk away if I get upset or angry, I can chose to change the conversation to other, less painful topics but I can't change that some people, not many, but some, treat me like some kind of leper, terrified in case i am 'catching'.

I am still waiting for my coucncelling sessions, it feels like they will never come and it feels like the NHS just doesn't care about me, they would rather help everyone else but me. I had been so hopeful that my appointments would not take long so I could build on what I had already achieved but 7 weeks later I have lost all hope that I will get allocated an appointment at all.

I want to make no apologies to myself for this turning into a rant, that is how I feel and it feels better to slam the keyboard into words in the vain hope that frustration vented here saves a real person from me.

The Future

It is strange to look at a future that has so many 'what ifs' in it, when we first decided we wanted to start a family I did look at future events and make provision for the 'if we are lucky' senario - would I be ok to travel, would I be ok to drink etc etc the list was endless. After time passed I made the choice not to plan for the best but that stopped me from planning altogether. I still have things there but no longer did I plan for them, they just sort of snuck up on me. it did make life a bit more exciting for a time although slightly less organised but it has meant that the last year has flown past me and looking back I have nothing to show for it.

But, with the change that has occured in my outlook with the confirmaiton of what the problem is and a potential fix being prescribed my outlook has changed back to the 'what if we are lucky' with a eye half open to the fact that there is a future which, one way or another I will have to deal with.

I do have, at the back of my mind, the question - what happens if this medication doesn't work? What would be the next step? There are so many possible variations that I will not have these answers until it actually happens and the more I think about it to more I panic that the medication will not work when I know (sensible head on) that there is a good possbility if the diagnosis is correct it should work in the next 6 months.

I would dearly love to call the fertility clinic and cancel the appointment they have already sent to me for 6 months time . . . . .

Hope

It has been a quiet few days so I decided it was time for a little reflection as so much has been happening all around me and I don't seem to have found the time to record how things are affecting me. I have, over the past few weeks, been much more open with my friends about the situation we are in and I have found that it is such a lift to be able to talk freely (when the right time, situation and circumstances arise).


I am still waiting for my councelling appointment to come through but the longer I wait the nearer it is plus I have the added hope that the medication I have been prescribed will do some good. It is hard trying not to get your hopes up know that there is a chance that the doctor is wrong and that it will not work because the crash of failure gets harder and harder and it seems, for me, that the more hopeful I am, the harder I crash and the harder it is to put myself back together.

The more I think about things, the more I decide that I am done crying - I really have run out of tears: doesn't matter what sort of tears they are - saddness, anger, frustration, they are all the same at the end of the day. I keep telling myself that the time has come to turn my life around, to live it my way and to accept what is, is and what will be, will be. It is not easy and will take timea nd effort but one day I hope to suceed.

Feeling Sad

It does seem like a long time since I entered into this blog but today I feel the need.


There have been a couple of sucessful couples sharing their wonderful news over the last week or so and I am incredibly pleased for them. I wish them all the happiness in the world but . . . .

I am still jealous. Plus I have fianlly heard that a friend's 3rd and final round of IVF has failed and it hammers home just how unfair life can be. At the moment I can't get my head around it nor can I answer that why? What did I (or my friend) ever do to deserve this nightmare? Why have been been chosen to suffer like this?

My jealousy usually makes me angry, mainly at myself for not feeling over the moon for people who have good news and for failing Andrew in this. Today, I just feel sad. I feel like whatever or whoever is out to get me might as well just get on with it, suceed and move on to someone else. I am tired of crying, sometimes I wonder if I will ever run out of tears but it hasn't happened yet so I figure there are always more.

Memories

After my last session of CBT and a further referral for some 'proper' councilling I have been trying to remember some of the whys.


Why are we together?

To that end we deicded that a holiday was what we needed. Not a 'lets go somewhere exciting and see everything' type of holiday but moreof a find a corner and hide away from the world which we have just returned from. We found a campsite near the coast in Norfolk and planned to do nothing for a full 5 days and by nothing we meant nothing, no trips, no visits, no mobile phones - nothing. We did do some walking and in so saw some lovely things but nothing was done to time or a schedule and we made lots of choices at the last minute so no stress.

Has this helped? I think so as I have come back refreshed and relaxed, more able to deal with the world and what might be thrown at me plus it gave us the chance torediscover what we love about each other as well as talk through everything and look to the future no matter what might occur.

Time

Isn't it amazing where time goes when you wish it away. Since we starting this journey time has been broken down into months and with that the waiting between which, while you are living it seems to take forever but once it is over and you sit down and think back time has been wished away and I have nothing to show for any of it.


I also look back and wonder why I avoiding doing things on the 'just in case we have been lucky' line. Not many things to be fair and not as often now as when we first set out and luckily things that aren't important enough to regret but there is always the chance that I could have. I think it is about time I lived my lift for what it is and not what it could be.


Looking at the time we have spent on this road and talking to friends who reminds me that it is not as long as it seems, not as long as others have managed and think about how I praise their strength and fortitude.
Today is a brighter day as I have got the medication I was offered - I need to practise my patience until I can start taking it and remember that it needs time to work.
Today I want to take a moment to remember a friend who is currenty under going IVF for the thris time. I pray that it is sucessful as a nicest couple you would struggle to meet and they would make the best of parents.

I remind myself that 'all good things come to those who wait' and those that wait often appreciate them more.

Frustration

Why does it occassionally feel like the universe is out to get you? Like there is some greater power which is saying this is not for you?

So, I got excited, I thought my problem (lack of ovulation) had been identified and a potential fix in the form of medication decided upon. All I need to do is get my hands on the prescription and I can regain some hope that one day our dream of a family might come true. Which means a trip to the GP clutching a letter from the fertility clinic which clearly instructions her to prescribe me, blood test me and hope for the best.

After waiting what seemed like an age for the only appointment I could get which was 20 minutes late I was deverstated when she refused without more clarity from the consultant based on my weight as it occured on her system, a weight, which I might add, it months out of date as the clinic have weighed me a few times since. What it means in the grand scheme of things is another 5 weeks before I can start it, which is not all that much but this is not what it means to me.

To me it means another failed cycle, another 5 weeks where I have to know that I am a failure, that I have another wasted 5 weeks, another crushing blow at the end of it, another 5 weeks of people asking me if things are moving on, another 5 weeks where there is no end to my nightmare as it is just too far away having been torn from my grasp at the very last moment. I am crushed and it gets harder and harder to drag myself back and pick myself up after every occasion that it happens. It feels like no one cares how hard this is for me, no one cares if this has to wait for years to be resolved and that I am just not important enough or good enough to have a child.

I have reached the stage that so few people care, I want to give up. I can no longer see that the outcome is worth the pain.

Depression

I finally decided it was time to take a moment to admit to myself:-

I have depression.

It is an illness, not something to be embarressed about but something that I suffer from and I need to take steps to get better.



This last weekend has been a nightmare for me, I have been angry, irratable, frustrated and, for the most part, in tears. A lot of my frustration has been thrown towards my husband, mainly because he is the person closest to me which my logical self says is not reasonable or acceptable but for some reason I do it anyway.



I wanted to take a moment to list why I feel like I do but when it came down to it I couldn't work it out nor could I work out what I want anyone to do or say to me - at the moment there are no answers, or at least, there are no answers that I can come to and when the question is always 'what do you want me to say/do'? I can't answer it so why do I expect the people around me to do so.



I do feel guilty a lot of the time, guilty that I have let down the people nearest to me, guilty that I could do better and guilty that life shouldn't be like this. It doesn't matter how many times people tell me it is not my fault there is no one else to blame. When letters get lost or appointments take time or I come accross someone unhelpful I feel like the universe is conspiring against me which just makes me want to give up despite knowing what the end result might be, I question whether it is worth the nightmare.

Empathy

So, when people use the word empathy or the phrase 'I can empathise' what is it they actual mean?


This was said of us and our situation lately and to be honest, got me quite cross. In my eyes unless you have walked a mile in our shoes you have no idea what our situation entails, what we are going through and how we are feeling so to use this word is totally unacceptable. For me 'empathy' involves understanding and knowledge both of which can only be gained by actually speaking to us, something this person has yet to make the effort to do.


I guess people use this when they don't want to use the word 'sympathy' as this has the connotation that they feel sorry for you so again, maybe not really the right word or phrasing but better in this context as it does not imply understanding.



So the next question is 'I am over reacting' in a typical me kind of way? The answer is almost definatly 'probably' but it doesn't change anything.

Patience

or my case, the lack of it.



What has struck me since we first went to our GP and said we were struggling to concieve has been the difference in how we have been handled by the NHS in its different guises.



First of our GP, once we managed to see her, was excellent. She treat us like we were human beings and took care of our feelings unlike the surgery staff surrounding her who were nosey, inefficient and often rude. I dislike reception staff asking me why I need an appointment and I even more so reception staff telling me over the phone that my blood results are 'fine' - being not of a medical background this was not helpful.



We were then referred to gynaecology at the local hospital and we founf them . . . distant, there is no other word as they had no concern for our aim to concieve and rushed through the intital appointment without explaining to much and then sending us down the road of tests which lastest for months. It seems that once you have been seen once there is no rush and I was originally asked to wait from Janaury 12, the date of my last blood test, to mid July before I could get the results. Needless to say I was less than impressed and, after many phone calls, was able to secure an appointment in April. At this appointment we were told next to nothing except that a further referral to the fertility clinic was the next step - my lack of patience failed to see why we needed the appointment when a letter to confirm the referral could have been done in January thus saving us 4 months.



From this point we waited until the end of the month before we were seen at the feritltiy clinic, a wait I was most impressed with. That began another round of tests including the HSG, bloods and the last one was an internal ultra sound. The difference we have noticed between gynae and fertility has been immense - sunddenly we are important, suddenly the nursing staff are no longer processing us like puddings on a conveyor belt and they have time to explain what they are doing, looking for and why plus what is all means to us. These tests have taken time, more time than has been easy for me to cope with but when they have to be done within set time boundaries there is nothing to do except learn patience.

We have now been referred back to the GP for ovualtion medication but the referral is 'lost' meaning I am at the mercy of the kindness of other people as to finding and processing it in time for me to use if for my next cycle - if I have to wait another 5 weeks before I can start taking it I will have no choice but to learn patience.

Comfort

The thought that has taken my mind today is that of food and how I eat. The stresses and strains of the last 2 plus years have brought home to me more and more how much I rely on food as a comforter - a chocolate bar becuase I am having a bad day, a take away because I am down in the dumps and can't be bothered to cook or biscuits because they give me the sugar rush that, momentarily, lifes my spirits a little bit.



I am sure I am not alone in these habits and the more I look back into them, the more I can see that I have always done this and could be the answer to the question ' why I am not a size 10'. So the challenge was to try and break the cycle and for 6 months I thought I had managed it. My diet was better, I lost nearly 2 stone and felt miles better but then something occured which smashed me back down and to this day I have no really restarted my healhier eating habits properly again.



By the way, all this is written as I try and stop myself from eating the seond half of a pack of giner biscuits I bought earlier. I know I am not hungry, I did eat my lunch but it is almost as if I can't stop myself.



So I wonder, on top of comfort eating, do I reward myself with food? So, if I can survive the next 10 minutes then I can have another bicsuit to see me through the 10 minutes after that? There is not rational explanation for it nor can I justify it, it is just something that is.

The Little Things

Why is it that the little things are the ones that get you the most? I spent a lovely afternoon with my husband's family (of all ages) and in the midst of relaxing decided to quickly check my emails - in hindsight I wish I hadn't bothered.
Being on the mail list for hubby's events is useful as it means I have an idea of what is going on, when and where. But when the mailing list is sent a note that starts 'Mums and Mums to be' it was like someone has stabbed me in the heart. It was an email that should or rather could have been sent to the half dozen people it applied to but instead we all got it and it left me cold, angry and again being reminded of what I am fighting so hard for and struggling whilst others achieve without so much as breaking sweat.

I am getting better (or maybe more practised) at picking myself up but a little bit of me doesn't want to be knocked down in the first place and I do know that people don't do it on purpose however the lack of thought frustrates me. Based on this I am remindered that infertility (especially when unexplained) is not something we discuss and, short of being exposed to it, people don't often realise that is there and affects so many people. My hope is that, in the future, whether we are lucky or not I remember how sensitive this situation has made me and hope it allows me to transfer that to other who might one day have to face the same challenges.

The Light at the End of the Tunnel

There always has to be a light at the end of every tunnel however isn't it refreshing when you finally realise that it might not be the train coming to run you over.


That is how I trying to look at my tunnel at the moment: my consultant has identified a problem and is taking steps to fix it so one day I might even reach the end of the tunnel - finally I can start to believe it: it has to be the first time in what feels like forever.


Something that my CBT therapist always stresses is to look back at the good things in life - what made me laugh, made me happy and what brought me joy especially in my relationships. Whilst I can see the benefit of this I desperatly want to look to the future, I know it is unknown but it does not stop be from having hope or faith (both things I have struggled to find what with everything round me that clouded my outlook).

In that vein I want to take a moment to remember what brought hubby and me together. We had met a couple of times at various places over a fair span of time but I always remembered his smile and the way he was so respectful and thoughtful of me - strange when I was so used to being completly independant. The first time he visited me at home I had been sent home from work (using flexi leave) a couple of hours early because I was driving my team leader mad with my excitment. All we did all evening was talk - me sat on the chair, him on the sofa and we covered so much ground it was strange - here was someone I was truely comfortable sharing with and it seemed he was the same with me. There have been times when this has been lost amongst the porblems but it has always come back and allowed us to build on whatever has been thrown our way.

I remember all the gifts he has brought me from beautiful bright and vibrant flowers to a DVD he knew I wanted to see to the most beautiful earing and necklace set I had ever seen for our first Christmas together. I remember crying when he presented me with the most perfect engagement ring ever. He had taken time to chose it, have it made to the correct size (by borrowing an old ring from my jewllery box) and make it personal to me - many people think he was very brave, to me it shows how well he knows me as well as how much he loves me.
He still gives me gifts today - more thoughtful as money is tight but the biggest thing he has given me is the gift of time - his patientence should be a thing of legend and with me, he needs it. He has never lost the ability to make me smile or laugh and he never fails to remind me how much he loves me no matter what.

No matter what goes on, I will remember how lucky I am to have found him.

Being Daft

Have you ever sat down and thought back on something that has happened and wondered if you over reacted? I seem to be doing that more and more recently especially given my tendancy to blow things out of all reasonable proportions for example:



There is a baby in the family, 5 months old and I am really hurt that I have never had a cuddle. I have been offered a cuddle once, when I had flu and really shouldn't even have been in the room with a small baby never mind sharing air with one so at the time I politly said ' love to but I'm not well, it is not fair on baby'. I know that the explanation is simple - not the right time or circumstances, they may even think that to offer would be to hurt my feelings or cause me distress but I sometimes feel like they don't trust me - like the think I am going to run away with him. My husband is the same boat with this one and I presume the reasoning is the same, he never says how it makes him feel or whether it bothers him which leaves me wondering if I am, in fact, being daft.



I suppose the easy answer is 'ask for a cuddle', whenever I think about this I always hear people shouting that in my head but I think it would be even more awkward for them to frind an excuse to say no if they really didn't want me anywhere near plus I am far to polite to push myself on them.

I guess there is no answer.

The Fear

One thing that has struck me as I have traversed this path is how frightening everything can be maybe it is all down to a lack of undertsand and information of just that it is something that you don't get exposed to. I did know a couple who adopted becuase they couldn't have their own children but that is the limit of the information. It must be that either they didn't want to talk about it or no one was prepared to listen to them.

It seems then, infertility (especially when it is unexplained) is a bit of a taboo subject which leads me to wonder why? From my experience it is embarassing to admit it - feeling like a failure as a woman has been a key emotion that I regualary do battle with, add that to the pressure that everyone around you seems to be having families with breaking sweat so they have moved onwards meaning that you no longer seem as welcome in the group. You have less to contribute and because you have not been so lucky, your opinions don't count because you could never understand.

I suppose the one thing I can be grateful for is that I have no fear of the hospital or any of the clinics I have been round (GP, gynae, fertility, x-ray, etc) nor the staff there who to a man have been supportive, undertsanding and helpful. Key to this was the waiting room which is the same one for lots of departments - gynae, fertility and anti-natal being the key 3. When I fist attended the walls were plastered in material for the expectant family - birth options, labour wrd tours, anti- natal groups, I had never been so assulted with something that made me feel so awful in my life. But, after a good cry, I took matters into my own hands and wrote to the PCT to explain how the space made me feel and why - they were excellent and made departmental changes so that all couples in our shoes could have somewhere different to wait, somewhere with more neutral information on the walls, somewhere that meant less stress leading up to actually being seen. It gave me back some faith in the system as well as the people behind it.

My biggest fear is that I have let my husband down: that I have, in some way, failed him because it is my fault that we are in this position. He never says it and when I try and explain this is how I feel he always reassures me that he never feels like this and will always love me no matter what happens but my illogical brain refuses to accept this. I know that he woudl never leave me but in my darkest moments I wonder if I should leave him to live his dreams, even it that means he does this with some one else and I end up alone. I keep thinking better that that give up everything for me - I can't accept that he thinks I am worth it.

I suppose I am lucky in that without my husband or other key people in my life I would never have found the strength to ask for help, help from an external source with I have been lucky enough to get from a course of CBT, something I would recomend to anyone who finds life a struggle at times.

The dreaded HSG

I figured, with this being one of the most nightmarish procedures I had to deal with I would give it an entry all of its very own.



After battling for 2 months for an appointment (hard to get one on the right cycle day when they only run them on one afternoon in a week) I got one and had exactly 2 days to prepare for it. reading the internet is great as is asking for other people's experiences so honesty has to be king.



X-ray machines are some of the most daunting I have come across so to be laying down, legs akimbo with the machine hovering about me was to feel a bit caged in. Luckily the radiologist was lovely, the lady performing the test was lovely and the observing doctor asked my permission with a 'I really don't mind if you want me to leave' and was great because his questions meant I got a lot more information about what was going, why and what it meant. I have no problems with having the trainee in with (although one at a time is enough) and wish that more people were the same as they have to learn somehow and patient communication skills are just as important as the actual medical bit for me.



My hope is that in the future I can look back at these tests and smile, wonder what all the fuss was about and be grateful that I have my dream but for the time being they are still raw and unpleasant memories of something which to date, has had no positive result.



Afterwards was a miserable drive home in the rain, uncomfortable and grumpy but the results were good - nothing blocked so another tick against another box onthe journey onwards and upwards.

The new good news is that after an internal ultrasound scan yesterday (not as unpleasant as expected and my thanks to the consultant and nurse who were brilliant) I have been told to wait for a letter prescribing me with the fertility drug clomid - used to encourage ovulation so have regaining a little positivity in that this might be the push we need.

Diagnosis

Recalling the week that I first confessed to my GP that there was a problem is not an issue - i think the week will stay with me forever.



I had hosted a BBQ for my birthday weekend. Family and friends had come, it was informal and life was smiling at me. For one day I wanted to forget my troubles and just be me. But, and a big but, my brother in law and his wife annouced the pregnancy - I was deverstated and my day ruined. All I heard was have wonderful it was, they were open about how easy it has been for them and, as soon as was polite, I retreated to my bedroom and sobbed my heart out, this was the second couple we knew who has started trying for a baby and suceeded whereas we were bound for the doctors. Spending the following week with them and a lot more family on a foreign holiday turned what should have been a relaxingbreak to an ongoing nightmare from which there was no escape and brought me home even more stressed that I have started; so much for holidays being good for the process as they allow time for relaxation.



Sitting in the doctors surgery was weird, like all time had stopped and people were just floating past us but we did what we need to and the tests began, first with her, then gynae and then, after over 18 months the fertility clinic. Over the past year and a half I have been poked, prodded, stabbed, x-rayed and examined and all to no avail. No answers.



The frustration is imense and patience is required but I am trying to keep some faith that one day our dreams will come true.

Relations

with the relations and relationships my focus has almost always been fixated on my husband - a calm man who refuses to be ruffled and takes life quietly one stride at a time. The complete opposite to me impatient and headlong rush into achieving my goals.



Away from him I can admit that he must have the patience of a saint to deal with my mood swings, outbursts and uncomphrehensible behaviour but he has done it stoiclly. Living with me can be volitile and he doesn't always get it right but I can't imagine life without him, the seflish piece of me wants him to be with me forever, the other half of me depseratly wants him to fulfill his own dreams of a family and wants him to get that whether he was with me or not - I pray that I never have to make that choice.



Turning to the rest of my family - I have never been as close to my mum as my dad. I share my hobbies with my dad, my sense of humour with my dad but mum and aI are cut from the same cloth. It does end with personality clash and arguements as we do bring out the worst in each other but she can, when she remembers, be the most supportive person in the world and I do think that sometimes I am a bit too harsh on her. It is so easy when you are in the middle of a nightmare to remember that other people have issues going for them and even more hard to be not selfish about things. I am trying, I don't always suceed but I do try.

My friends are the strangest bunch - pulled from many places in my life and with all I have some form of connetion, some in common. Some understand me easier that others, some have more time for me and some use me as you might a punching bag but they are all there and all are important. I have found that this journey has made me a bit of a social leper, especially with friends who are pregnant or have babies as they have no comprehension of me and seem terrified of upsetting me - what is boils down to is that they cut me out becuase they don't know what else to do with me and never put themselves in a position to just ask me what I want.

I am hoping time with change this, we are nearly 2 and half years into this and have only just in the last couple of months really started confessing to people what has been going behind closed doors so I am expecting opportunities to arise so people can be more at ease around me - like everything all that is needed is time.

If I was to take my 'lesson learnt' from this element I would have to go with suggesting that support comes from many places and in many different forms - everyone is entitled to ask for help, to state that they can't cope and to have faith in the family and friends that they have. I continue to be lucky that mine have continued to pick me up off the floor and set me back on my path every time I have needed it.

How to Begin?

Well, it is hard one as I made the choice today to take back my life and along with it some control of my own destiny.



Some background:

I decided to come off my contraceptive pill in June 2008, just less than an year after I married the man of my dreams. Unfortunatly life decided to play a cruel hand as we are still here, jsut the 2 of us, dreaming big dreams but living the nightmare that is unexplained unfertility. I wanted to make a space to record this journey in the hope that it might help other people in the same boat to realise that they are not alone as I feel that I am most of the time.



The biggest thing I have struggled with is how people around me are, at first most people had no idea what was going on but the more neutrotic and emotional I get the harder it is for us to keep it a secret and, with the gift of hindsight, sometimes I do wish that we had 'fessed up earlier as most people have been nothing but supportive. The nightmare of this is that some people, usually the pregnant and those with babies, are uncomfortable around me as they have no comprehension of how I am feeling.



Which leads to the question - how am I feeling?

Most days I have no idea which is less than helpful but through my confusion I realise that to be jealous of something you don't have is not always a negative thing, it reminds me how much I want a family of my own. There are days that I wish I could talk more about what we are going through and other days when this is the last thing on my mind. I love being around other people and their children - it doesn't matter if it makes me cry afterwards I still cherish that time and the trust placed in me by parents when I can cuddle their sleeping babies and playing games with their older children.


My hope is that, over time, I can use this blog to through the various issues surrounding this journey as and when they come to me - allowing me to regain control and to remind people that they are never alone, no matter what the might be going through.




Tomorrow will be a hard day for me, another hospital appointment. I know they have to be done but it doesn't stop me from being terrified.